I will do it. I have no doubt I can conquer my demons and power into a fuchsia future.
Fuck the Rules!
My music league entry for a Free Space:
Oh, come over!
(I won 2nd place:)
Falls
Back here, realty in my eyes clear, I shove furniture out of the way, constantly sweeping all animal hair and dust, leaving none stray. There’s this cloud that follows me around, so I zip…then zag…swiping dirty surfaces with a rag, until…
BAM!
The Cloud
F
A
L
L
S
Overwhelmed, breath caught in my throat:
This is it!
It’s DONE.
My eyes close as I drop my broom, rushing one hand over my heart, the other to cover my mouth, salty drips off my nose drop between my breasts.
Caught in time, going nowhere as my crime.
No! I say NO.
Deliberate action.
No more passive reaction.
I’d rather be alone
than in this kind of marriage limbo.
I don’t know how or when, but a change is coming. Damn it, I’m sick to death of running.
I want the attention of a kind caress!
I need a furtive dive into a deep kiss, where roving hands finger passionate bliss!
I wonder sometimes why I can’t just believe that someday something will click and someone will notice I deserve more…dick
Bestill My Heart
Through the clouds in my brain, the past and the pain, your light with a warmth so powerful, so bright replenishes my hope and bestills my heart. Your voice, your face, your playful personality, your depth…all that is you inspires me to open my door and explore. Hoping you find all you’re looking for!
I needed it.
I tried to own my alone, become someone powerful. I willed myself to move away from watching the movement of your face, from putting your voice in my ear at night late. Maybe I can change, make it by myself, sans my cake…
I tried to go to bed, but couldn’t catch my breath…
Oh no, no, no! So empty, so sad, the void left so big in my little world…I had to look.
I needed it. I needed to watch your eyes talking to me as you sing. I wanted to read your smile, so I opened the door by myself and my mind ate a feast! Honestly, I could never have expected such an endorphin release!!!
Tears fall upon my phone as you come so close to my face, your neck I want to taste, and I felt you enter me again and again bringing such elation, my cheeks redden with a firey warmth, and a moan couldn’t help but escaping, “Oh Love, all I want is a little taste, a little touch…”
I need you in a way that makes me wild, mad I can’t have what I want like a child.
I want to fall asleep with your face within my hands reach, you wanting me as your dream.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I can’t help going back, watching you sing me to sleep, absorbing your lips moving, imagining you love me too.
Would you, could you try?
You help me through the darkest times. The beauty of your light in my life I don’t want to deny.
(I wish upon the falling stars that you know how special you really are;)
to prevail
The intense rains of the southwest desert monsoon season flooded the dry and the brittle to plump up, and the desert bloomed for a short time, while the wet lasted. The rest of the year, no matter how despretely hot, life prevails, feeding on the medicine given during the year’s toughest parts.
You made me bloom.
You rained in a vibrant excitement this spring and my summer shined fun firey hot. God, I want your spirit! Makes me lose my breath.
Wish I were normal, could handle playing it cool…no, no, no, I’m love’s fool.
However barren, I will survive. Always do.
I just want your dreams to come true.
(
No choice
The dream is dead, and I’m back lying in my bed, hands on both sides of my head asking myself, “WHY did you do that? Why did you dream? Why did you let your heart hope, you knew the WHOLE TIME the thought of a real dream about love coming true is a joke.” I kept reminding myself to stop indulging, stop writing, stop sleeping with him! It may feel better than anything I’ve done for myself in a decade, but it’s too good, too sweet, too relieving, exposing the void that had been waiting for me to notice before it swallowed me up. Now, I know my fate. Even in my dreams last night, I was yelling and crying…so lost…but I guess I’ll find my way. As with everything always, I have no choice.
I look back at my writing and fuck me, I knew to stop a month ago, feelings and thoughts, wanting to be sexual. Fuck me! I hate myself for just ending up another fucking asshole.
Bad Brain Days
I get bad brain days where no matter how I push upbeat, positive thoughts, reality keeps punching me out, but I will keep fighting my demons. When he is around the tougher it is to fight, so today I’m cleaning across the street, and tonight I will road trip with a friend.
A side promise to myself, I will NOT delete my shit…my muse is too important, he’s the inspiration that brings light to my night.
I’m reminded of Mercutio’s rant on dreams:
Ok so I’m not that DRAMA, am I?
LOL:)
awake late
Effervescent ideas bubble emotions as I lie awake wanting to teleport to you, watch you create. Unrealistic, yet I see a dream of a Chicago meet…No matter how, a conversation, such a simple connection, will show me I’m not dead and dumb inside…already, you’ve made an impression that changed my life.
Ablaze, my heart beats for one more time.
CONTROL
Control. I will own my control.
No more weak, no more speaking fucking meek, I know what I need.
I need ME to stop being a pussy and find my cheetah: direct, confident, and fast as lightning when chasing what it wants to eat for sustenance, for brain candy.
I’m taking back my control to reestablish connection with my soul…Even drowning, I want to be able to dance a groove on the ocean floor!
Control. I will own my control. A wheeled wonder woman ready to pave my own road, that’s what I want to be.
squeeze me…please
I’ve been through a lot over the last three decades since I’ve been an adult. I moved umpteen times, but despite the states having different weather, I could never escape myself. I rode darkness like a wave through days as if all in me was OK. All-encompassing love became an unattainable dream, never to be reality. And I settled into my bed, and I satisfied myself…that was fine til I die, which, of course, will be coming soon, spinal cord injury makes old a body like mine, I think, God, how much longer can I survive?
You…then, you…your energy electrified my insides with passion not pain!
I find myself feeling things I CANNOT explain.
I want for something I know is not for someone like me.
For the first time, I know why I don’t feel complete.
The gulp that gets stuck in my throat, taking away my breath…the need to feel you, to have you squeeze me, drives me insane.
The crave almost hurts. I can’t turn you off, the feel of you so sweet, I keep hitting repeat…
