To refrain
To restrain
To reframe
URGES come
bouncing balls
FIREY thoughts
needs & wants
To refrain
To restrain
To reframe
Playing PAUSE
Color calls
tempting Eros
red & HOT
Hopelessness Refrained
Impulsivity Restrained
Satisfaction Reframed.
Can this change my plot?
At least it assuaged my heart;)
STOP thinking about thinking!
It leads to inner confusion
of what is best
wrong seems right
with righteousness suppressed
the heart keeps a faint beating
empty and ready
to be filled
with passionate thrills
surprises that circumvent
thinking about thinking
of a dark path past…
Then, I can let back in
the feeling of being blessed
through those who surround me,
for by connecting
with my NOW
I can finally become
mentally well!
GROUNDED! I am. Hope is like magic to me. In a hopeful magic-mirror, I see a side of me that’s happy, electrified with new prospects of fun, giddy to grind with lust on my mind.
BUT Magic isn’t real. It’s a con.
When my brain gets too excited, it girgles naughty thoughts, and it tricks me into creating a story I want to hear, a fairy tale.
About my days, I go slow, eyes looking up, thinking in pictures of…
what if I found a connection
with a passionate friend, who tickles my fancy, OH yes, a muse for my fantasies…
Every look, every touch elevates your love…that’s how I wish you’d feel about me, addicted like I’m your very favorite thing.
Melancholy madness, knowing my truth. No magic can make me hope something will change. I’m doomed to accept my lustless fate, so I guess I’ll just go back to sleep.
YET
(I tell you true, this is happening right now!!!)
A yellow finch just now called my attention from my red pen bleeding onto my notebook paper.
Wheels turning I had to ponder, What is this bird saying?
He just keeps singing louder and louder, then I spot him high on a flexible limb, a cloud white floating as his backdrop:
“STOP! LOOK UP!”
He sang so lovely, not at all like the other birds, a voice and rhythm all his own.
Then, a sparrow chimes, “Just live…and be…love life…reality!”
As if stung by the sun, my eyes close, the pain in my neck feels like a knife in the muscle just turned, so a frown pulling my chin down, I wheel back into the cold darkness of the garage and close the door with a wrist-flip, twisting the deadbolt locked.
Enveloped by darkness, I see the remnants of that circle of light and I blink a quick-
CLICK!
Like a photograph, within my mind, I snap-shot this moment in real time where the moon eclipses the sun making me feel warm, less alone.
(I hope you never doubt your worth! I long to show you how much I need you in my life, or I swear I wouldn’t have been able to hang in this long:)
I wrap you around me
a coat, my armor
protect me on my way
I shine reflecting
a lovely day,
exchanging frowns
for smiles, face-to-face
the world a better place.
Let’s go back to before my accident…It’s 1990, a blowout bonfire at the end of school next to Midwest cornfield, I stood staring into the flames dancing hot waves, and I felt warmed deep in my soul, not from the heat of the fire, but as if an invisible smoke spirit floated from the bottom embers to smoke sucked up my nose.
I wondered then, as I do now again, if what I felt was true or just me way back when in a weird mood?
Tonight, with a puff of smoke (thanks to the dragon downthe way;)…
POOF! PRESTO!
Off to snap the net for the Mythology of smoke spirits:
I now understand my reaction:
Smoke Spirits
Two smoke spirits ablaze
Dancing irredecent
Shaping shadows
Two smoke spirits escaping
Ethereal displacement
Rising UP
Two smoke spirits away
A Transcendence
Feet to Ground
A new go-round.
My brain a pitch-black maze, you’re a flashlight casting brilliance to guide me out of myself.
I take you to bed each night, a bear hug to my brain as I lie down physically, emotionally drained.
I wrap myself in the memory of your voice, your face, and you warm me in deep in a secret place.
I eat your lines like spaghetti, sucking out the meaning of life as every ‘Ooohhh’ makes me feel high!
I watch the open eye gradually close, time measured by light, and know ‘Stay strong, you’re not alone tonight.’
A nips out chill
induces a clench
forearms spasm
clenching breasts,
slightly wet,
as my fingers
pay homage
in tiny taps
upon my mug,
and I inhale
the steam whiffs,
succumbing impulsively,
going back
to the time
my smile
felt GENUINE
glowing
I want to lick
the full moon,
let it’s light,
flowing white,
drip sips
into my mouth
open wide…
How I love
you perched
hard ‘n’ high!
Shower me
with your power
and make me
come alive.
Fetal position at the bottom of a basket hanging by strings beneath a rainbow balloon full of hot air floating adrift up, UP
UP and AWAY
I want to stay high! In fact, I want the fire to blow me higher!!!
I know fantasy doesn’t last, but the only time I feel my heart beat is kissing a moment past.
Hopelessly Inappropriate Thoughts 