I
He left me long before I even thought about leaving him. His attention on other things, our conversations just stopped happening, and basically the garage became where he was living. I never thought he was cheating, but he stopped noticing I was in the room until I was leaving.
I thought maybe we were just in a rut…No, our time was up.
I had to ask one day.
Five times in five years just isn’t enough for me. I’m not a maid, and I’m not your mom, so stop rolling your eyes at anything I say and tell me straight, why do you stay?
“I love you.” That’s all he could say, not even in a convincing way.
It wasn’t enough. You must see me or it’s not really love. Deep down, I think I always knew that an alcoholic like Todd loves only one thing, and it had never really been me.
One might ask, “When did you know it was over?”
After a heart-felt letter became the butt of a joke, I knew he didn’t see me, and he never would. He had never read my writing, had no interest.
If he had, he would have known long ago another man held my heart while he made me sad. Honestly, I don’t think things would have changed if he had.
I didn’t leave in the middle of the night, no I absconded in the light. He was working in Mexico for a week, and I took my opportunity. I left unnoticed and gave no warning, finally ready to be done with him and his kind of hell as my reality.
I had set up the next step a month ago, secured a job with lodging where he’d never think of going. We weren’t married, so what did it matter?
This is where my love story really begins.
The Cliffside Inn, Rockie Mountains Colorado 1999
The wind whipped my hair over my eye as I forced open the Inn’s office door with a shove with a dull ding from rusty, silver bell above, cobwebs strangling its dingger on both sides.
Palming locks back in place, my eyes trailed down from the door’s bell to two huge, crossed feet resting bare on the Inn’s front desk.
Long legs swung those bare feet to the floor, and setting his book on the desk, extending a hand, “What a breath of fresh air you are, my dear! I’ve been waiting for you, can I give you a hand?” Asked the man.
My blurry vision focused on his the depth of his perfect dimples, his smile warming my gut like a cup of hot chocolate would.
“I…um…am supposed to meet with Micheala…? Is she here? I know I’m late, but I hoped she’d wait. I’m sorry, did she say anything… I just kinds need a place…” I couldn’t stop my hands from searching my body for anything to grip, afraid of looking up.
“Whoa!” He circled round the check-in counter, “You’re here to fill the position. Let me show you where you’ll be living.” Looming above her, at least six foot two, with a light hand on her shoulder, don’t worry, follow me…”
Behind the desk, he turned left, and tapping the doorknob with a finger-twist and down a dark hallway, he led. I don’t know why I followed him to the door with a light…it just felt right. I should’ve been afraid, at least unsettled a bit, yet I wasn’t.
“Welcome to your new home,” he said waving her in. “Micheala left everything you’ll need in the office. I’ll be leaving in the morning, but if you need anything or have questions, I’ll leave you my phone number. Call anytime.”
Kindness in his eyes warmed his curt speech, so when before I had a chance to speak, he turned to leave, I reached out quickly and caught his firm shoulder, sputtering, “Wait. Who are you?”
Laughter erupted as he took my hand and enveloped it in both of his, “I’m so sorry, of course, I don’t usually have to do this sort of thing.” Dropping my hand and taking a step back, still close enough to hear each other breathe, “Mark Mosier. Everyone calls me Moses around here, though. It’s very nice to meet you, Shelley. ”
Bowing to end this introduction, he then turned again toward the door, “I’m sure you’re tired,” he pulled the knob, “we’ll talk when the sun comes up in the morn.”
I’d driven from the desert to the mountains, and I didn’t have the strength for anything more.
I found the bed and a pillow for my head.
And with this, I dream myself awake:
Beneath the window, the light of a harvest moon shone through to reveal the naked, drunken man who just bounced into bed next to me, whispering with slurred words…
“Hey, babe, I gotta tell ya somethin’…I killed someone,” chuckles roll him over, “no use goin’ ta church…” grasping my breasts, “you fuck the devil bitch!”
And, as if to squelch the fear-fire he set with spit, he gave my ear a lick, making me sick, and waking me up feeling like shit.
A note stood next to the clock’s large red numbers 7:00. A mistrusting furrow clouded my narrowed eyes to the opened words inside.
Whenever you wake up, meet me across the street for breakfast at the Sunrise Saloon. Best biscuits and gravy around! Hope you slept well.
Moses
I can’t help but think, Great, another alcoholic. I thought I was working with a woman…fuck it, I need a place to live, huh, maybe he’ll feed me too.
II
Exiting the Inn with a bell ting, I walked out from the darkest of dark night, dank as a dungeon, into the light of a morning sun. The elevation turned my legs to goo, so overwhelmed, I slid down to sit on the ground, eyes darting around.
Deep breath in, I hold…and feel the cool mountain air invigorate my lungs, then exhale steam through my nostrils, my face frozen in a frown warming to smile, my stomach beginning to growl.
As I grasped the handle of the scarlet door with a clenched fist, I yanked hard, but the door didn’t budge. I closed my eyes, bated breath, then a whoosh of warm air released, as if loggers from a tomb were leaving the room.
An unexpected glow warmed the air from above, the skylight narrowing my gaze to his face, grinning at my unsure gait. I sware, this is no exaggeration, he had a halo encircling his head with a soft vibration…or it was a hallucination from lack of sustenance. I hadn’t eaten since I’d left.
“Hey Zek!” He called over his shoulder to the wall of alcohol behind him, long legs crossed at bare feet in leather sandals.
“Good morning! Here Moses, sit at a table, not the bar, help her feel stable. Nice to meet you, Shelley. I hope you enjoy your breakfast, we’re so excited to have a new face in town! Oh my! Coffee! I bet you’re dying to wake up, be right back…”
Chuckling, “Zek’s a trip. He’ll take good care of you.” He set down the plates, and rushed back around the bar. “Please, join me.” He motioned with a nod to the chair he held pulled out for me. A monster growl escaped the void left in my gut, which made him laugh out loud, “I can hear your hunger, please sit down.”
I just stared frozen, gleaning his generosity with slow comprehension of what I should do: accept my good fortune and sit down or RUN OUT THE DOOR without turning around??? These days, who can trust kindness?
An animal instict kept me alive so far, despite the attacks I’d had from all sides, family, friend, community all killed a piece of my vibrant personality, until now. I had plans to be more than I ever was before.
My walls secure, quietly I slid into the seat, not saying anything and not waiting to eat. Zek brisk as a fall breeze set down coffee and oj with tinks like a song and a wink as he moved around.
I had to smile, “Thanks.” Like a magnet to metal, my eyes found his, with a swirling feeling, that was the first time he touched me. He said nothing, yet I felt him.
Chocolate brown eyes seemed to jump through the space between us and enter me with a warm explosion beneath my skin, I sware, he gave my blood a hug.
The biscuits and gravy goo spun round my tongue swallowed with a swish of coffee to rinse my mouth out. I sat back, fork down, trying to figure him out…
Of course, I just waited for him to start.
III
“EMC International. How may we fulfill your needs?”
“Mark Moser, please.”
“Who may I say is calling?”
“Michaela Reah, from Pleasantville Realty.”
“One moment please…” The classical music too loud, Michaela set the phone down, picked up a compact and reapplied her candy-apple red lip stick.
“Hello?” Mark’s commanding deep voice made Michaela’s hands shake, intimidated, a smile across her face.
“I found the perfect match! I was afraid to tell you, but then, as soon as I put the sign up, POW! Right through the door, I couldn’t believe it, so it’s ok to tell you now, it’s perfect, can you believe it?”
“Woah! Woah! Woaha! What are you talking about? Tell me what?”
“I have to go back to Loveland,” she said slowly, almost ashamed. “You know, I can’t refuse.”
“When? Who’s gonna open the Inn? I won’t be back until the 13th, Michaela I was counting on you!” His tone held no note of anger, more like fear of the unknown.
“Don’t worry! I promise, I found you a match, she’s perfect for the position! You’ll see. Her name’s Shelley.”
“Ok…so, when do you leave?” Mark asks, rubbing his furrowed brow, wondering silently, What am I going to do now?
“Oh Moses, don’t worry! I’ll set everything up before you get there, and she won’t arrive until the 21st in plenty of time to finish getting the place ready for the reopening.
IV
Struggling to know how to start, he quickly states the business side, “Micheala had to take off a week early, so I came to manage the inn until opening day. From then on, you’ll be on your own. Hopefully, that makes you feel more at ease.”
“Thanks.” I swallowed.
He leaned on the table on his elbows, forearms extended, ending with thumbs crossed, fingers pointing like an arrow at me.
“So…” He waited, staring as my plump lips pursed.
I covered my mouth with my napkin, eyes dropping to the table. Inhaling my shoulders back, I looked up at him and cocked my head with a bull’s exhale and a silent, So? What? Trying to be tough, but because of the warmth Mark exuded, sounding soft, “Yes?”
I’ve been hurt so many times by bad and beautiful choices, I remind myself, clenching my pout, Stay walled in! There’s only danger about.
“So, where are you from?”
“Moved a lot when I was young, so everywhere and nowhere. You?” Hard again.
Bemused, his dimples holding tight his smile, “Here, but I grew up in Loveland. Where were you before here?”
“Is it OK if I get started? I bet I’m already late for the opening bell, of I go by what Micheala said.”
Chin leaning on his fist, chuckles released through nose burst, Mark stood up, “Ya know what? You’re right. She’d be over here by now. Let’s get started. But, I warn you, eventually you’ll have no choice but to open your mouth, I love to talk.”
As he disappeared into the dark hall leading to the door, a coy smirk popped the corners of my mouth up, hot inside, skin red.
I disappeared into the mountains because I wanted to deny I have feelings at all. I wanted to be ok, alone. But, deep down, I couldn’t help but have an eeiry feeling…with him, I’d lose control.
I scampered behind him out the door.
V
Some people walk around on this earth, and it’s like their connected to everyone, everything that surrounds them, as if an aura-bubble makes them almost float, then when you get up close and personal, a warmth envelops you, accelerating your heart and vibrating your soul so you can’t help but want more…
That’s Mark straight from the start.
However cold and hardened I thought I was, I couldn’t resist but to laugh beneath my breath. I chased after his long-legged gait as he crossed the street, so strong, so graceful was he.
“After you, my lady,” he bowed his head with a ding chime from above, swinging the Inn door open. “I guess we’ll start with the tour of your new home.”
Eyes dropping to his sandals, I reminded myself, This is work.
Hopelessly Inappropriate Thoughts 