The rain keeps falling, but I’m safe. I’m beneath the covers, holding onto you just below the surface in a graze of hot air we share, and we float as if engulfed in a cloud, steamy-eyed listening to the sounds of our hearts beating the rain.
This tickles me to smile despite the dark clouds crying:
Innocent. My intention at the start, innocent enough, just to be sure I wasn’t afraid if ever awarded another conversation. I thought, If I just study his expressions, get used to the hyper-intensity of looking into his eyes, I’ll seem normal in any situation with him.
BACKFIRE
I’m hooked. I’m struggling to stop. I know full well I have no hope. For me, to learn more in life with him, to have what I feel reciprocal…
He is like touching a cloud and magically transforming the horizon from shades of gray to a prismatic light that makes everything, everyone glow with a radiant aura and feel it.
I don’t want to stop. I want to feel lust, to touch true love…
But, I admit. This is how I break my heart in the end. I know he already has enough love in his life.
This is where I say fuck it and go fantasize. Consequences be damned! I sware I feel in love with that man!
(I don’t care how silly this story seems for someone my age, but I know what I am capable of, I know what I want, I realize depth is tough, I want more than feeling cold inside and jumping surprised when touched because it’s been so long since the last time. I unload the good, the bad, and the ugly here to keep me from losing my mind!)
The dream is true.
We exist, dreaming of eating together the same peice of sweet truth. We listen to each other’s desires sung in the poetry of possibilities, a game of intrigue in which we spar scars and sorrow with love and laughter building trust in tomorrow.
The dream is true.
You are mine to play with anytime…
IN MY MIND.
I wish you were clay, and I could mold you into a clone of yourself and keep you with me in bed, probing you, pulling my fingers across every inch of your skin, nuzzling as I learn your grooves, your dimples, your lips with my kiss…
Yes, this is my wish as I shower away my sighs this morning, knowing my dream of love will only exist inside me, pent-up clenched tight, waiting for your light to do my dream right!
(I’m so lucky! Your voice through my day and reels at night help keep me going through the problems and pain as if you’re with me each day, except I barely say a thing.
For the first time since we met, I’m not afraid you’ll hate me or cut me off for something inappropriate I’ve said or might say some day. In my world, that’s more than progress, it’s truly established my trust. I struggle to hold onto people I love. Often it’s me who gets too scared to get hurt, so I run away and give up.
I’m trying to GROW UP.
Trust me, for the last 20 years, the wisdom in your music has helped me process my reality. Now, you really are a dream I NEED in me;)
I’ve been processing this feeling for a week and still don’t know how to say anything, lol.
I just keep reaching out to touch
It still burns.
An ember to remember
when beauty touched my world,
it’s all I have left of you,
but for pictures I caress.
Yet, it still burns.
An ember to remember
how you looked at me
and I felt the heat
build up a hunger inside,
as if you could read my mind.
And still it burns.
Even as I’m drowning,
spitting water as foam
engulfed in a bubble of darknight…
Even then, it glows.
You are an ember to remember,
in me burning with a glittering
that will shine for all time.
Shaking, unsteady her hand pulls the handle down, thrusting the heavy door to whoosh out. She rolls bold out into the world.
She has a parachute in the back of her mind of a beautiful time when she got to fly, so if she falls, there’s a lifeline.
(I don’t understand what I’m feeling, except empty. I want to find the bright side. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to cry. There’s that sadness like a black hole in my deepest metaphorical core as I accept I’ll never again touch you…I don’t want to let go.)
As you jog towards the ocean, feet flinging sand to tap the small of your back, secret skin exposed to the sun, then splashing through the foamy waves, you dive in where I take your hand…
You cradle me against your chest, sunset behind your head, crystal eyes gazing into mine, and as if you could read my mind, your wet lips slip salty kisses up my neck and along my jaw, then our lips part together welcoming a tide coming in with our tongues colliding…
(I keep seeing him do it again and again in my head so right now I can’t watch the video again, too dangerous. No, tonight I need to show how I can envision me fitting into his world for a beautiful moment, fulfilling my dream.
I stopped trying to deny I need help right now. Allowing myself to dream of him, despite the ‘never’ of it, invigorates me with power. I actually drove to four different places today that cause extreme anxiety, and even with having expired plates, the BMV felt sunny and happy!
I’ve felt like I’m living in the twilight zone for years and years and years, until color came back into my world because dreaming became not just powerful but possible.
It’s his face that gets me through my liminal space, and the wisdom of his voice brings sense and solace to a brain that so often gets lost in this mad world’s maze.
I go to bed this way many a night. TV off, whole house dark, and finally a flicker, a tingle-spark, producing a pervading warmth from my bottom up with a swift burn of lust…and that’s when I go there…Instagram.
I only have to look at my own saved videos, and no one is the wiser.
He sings me to sleep for real, dreaming of gorgeous places and fun excursions (often writing or watching until I can’t see straight so that I can find some REM).
Dreams sit on the tip of my tongue by morning as I open my eyes at six, snores done he’s already on his phone or in the garage gone. Very little for me in the between.
I have his face as my saving grace:)
Through the clouds in my brain, the past and the pain, your light with a warmth so powerful, so bright replenishes my hope and bestills my heart. Your voice, your face, your playful personality, your depth…all that is you inspires me to open my door and explore. Hoping you find all you’re looking for!
I tried to own my alone, become someone powerful. I willed myself to move away from watching the movement of your face, from putting your voice in my ear at night late. Maybe I can change, make it by myself, sans my cake…
I tried to go to bed, but couldn’t catch my breath…
Oh no, no, no! So empty, so sad, the void left so big in my little world…I had to look.
I needed it. I needed to watch your eyes talking to me as you sing. I wanted to read your smile, so I opened the door by myself and my mind ate a feast! Honestly, I could never have expected such an endorphin release!!!
Tears fall upon my phone as you come so close to my face, your neck I want to taste, and I felt you enter me again and again bringing such elation, my cheeks redden with a firey warmth, and a moan couldn’t help but escaping, “Oh Love, all I want is a little taste, a little touch…”
I need you in a way that makes me wild, mad I can’t have what I want like a child.
I want to fall asleep with your face within my hands reach, you wanting me as your dream.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but I can’t help going back, watching you sing me to sleep, absorbing your lips moving, imagining you love me too.
Would you, could you try?
You help me through the darkest times. The beauty of your light in my life I don’t want to deny.
(I wish upon the falling stars that you know how special you really are;)
Effervescent ideas bubble emotions as I lie awake wanting to teleport to you, watch you create. Unrealistic, yet I see a dream of a Chicago meet…No matter how, a conversation, such a simple connection, will show me I’m not dead and dumb inside…already, you’ve made an impression that changed my life.
Ablaze, my heart beats for one more time.
Peeling down the yellow-bright skin, the insides await ice cream. I whip dollops of cream upon my sweet dream, and drizzle the top with chocolate syrup. The first spoonful carries all the flavor up to my lips, tongue salivating creeps a tip to stick and lick…OH, sooo good.
As I made my late night snack, you came to mind. I could eat you, not like with bites I swallow, but I can’t stop pondering, watching in my mind, my mouth on your body. I’m trying to be cool. I’m attempting coy. I struggle to find the right words that express…what? I want to be friends? Well, yes…yet, I have that devilish other side that wants you to be mine.
So, my days of summer are over, and fall makes me catch my breath, terrified of what’s next because I always seem to say too much and in the end lose out. Maybe you will magically hear me (unlike literally everyone in my life) and tell me that you feel me, and everything is gonna be alright.
Each morning and as I fall asleep every evening, I indulge in the dream as if it’s real, sucking in the sweetness, never full.
