Reflection

still

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Trying to be still, two wicks lit, one dancing shadow illuminates the lamp that shades my journal, trying to be still, too afraid the darkness encroaches upon me, but I’m saved by your reflection engaging in imaginative play, slaying my pain from the day, and I watch you move in my memory.

Trying to be still, I wait until my vision comes…

Sex on Fire

Dreams with you get me through. All I want is my late night peek, ohhh, just a bit to satisfy this addict? I promise I’ll be quiet, and then, I’ll be able to fall asleep, thinking about some kind of wonderful…

Invisible

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I don’t fight my ghosts anymore, but I fight being a ghost. My words ignored, my voice annoying…no one notices I stopped speaking. No one caring I left again.

I think that’s why it made me cry when you said, “I see you.”

I believe you more than anyone around me, because if you were to be talking to me, then you’ve read my writing and know me better than anybody.

You keep doing things, saying things, singing things that fit together to create such an intimacy with the real me, I can’t help but create our story one moment at a time to calm my firey mind.

(Honestly, I don’t think you would say to me the ugly, mean things others think are funny.)

You help me build a place where I feel the warmth of love, protecting me like a fire in a forest of real and imaginary creatures.

I live happy with the possibility that some day you’ll come back to me, and each day, I promise, you inspire me to create, to dream.

I hope you know how important you are, filled with brilliance, my star🌟

Within the Belly

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The storm rages,

waves and rain

pelting our ship

with disenchanted hope.

Tumultuous ups

and downs throw us

about the abyss,

spanking our vessel

for trying to challenge fate,

as if Apollo himself

swirls his trident, laughing

at the discombobulation

of his creation.

Submerged in the sea,

in belly of the beast,

is a cabin I built

for you and me, a place

for us to meet and live happy…

Here, I lie with you holding me,

snuggled together

–a perfect fit–

and although the squall

may crash upon us,

through the stress,

in the darkness,

I find your eyes,

my door to a blue sky,

my rocket to a new planet,

where you whisper warm

wishes in my ear,

I love you, Kelley. I’m right here.”

And then your lips upon mine

BLOWS us into the stars of time.

(I pulled this from my journal, wrote it while sad a few ago. Then, I found this song, and I found a connection in the parallel. You blow my mind, Zach! Wish I had the balls to tell you this in real life;)

Let It Be Sung
Transcendental Power❤️‍🔥🥰

Yes, I’m acting like a child…and I love it. You’re never too old to fall in love slow❤️

My favorite part of the day is thinking of if I were with you, what would I do, what would I say…when I feel you’re near, everything seems crystal clear.

“Hold onto the dream, but not too tightly.”

Ouch!! Arrow through the heart. Oh my muse, my love you’ve won.

My sweet prince, you’re a big star. With you, I go far.

your adventurous soul

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The flame pervades my entire being, from head to heart, and flickers tickle my toes as my vision absorbs your adventurous soul, building this intense elation…an elevation of emotions begins to overflow my body covered by a damp that makes me glow.

Oh my muse, I can’t help but love you. You deserve the beauty you provide by living life before the world’s eyes.

You brought me back to life. I struggle to control my impulses to watch you to sleep every night, but I realize that’s a wee bit addicting 🙃 You’re such a luminous light through the darkness of my strife.

More than a Baby

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More than a baby

I’m an adult

My pacifier

I need it

Soothing the Sucking

My pacifier

I need it

Biting the Bawling

My pacifier

I need it

More than money

It makes me

Sweet as Honey

(I kept wanting to literally hold you as you fall asleep, and I kept picturing it, like me cradling your head on my chest, and I found this song, SOOOO reminds me of you in a crazy way, had to share:)

Rock Your Baby

(When I can feel you in my life, an actual part of my world, the spirit in my heart floats in an aura, magically beating color through my veins to my brain, producing random, unexpected moments of sheer joy in which I find myself smiling my eyes to tears I’m happy to be alive, so opposite of how my days were before you came into my life…I don’t understand exactly why you affect me this way, but I must state plain, you make me happy in a way I’ve never been, so whatever the repercussions, I’m rollin’ with it, lol;)

My Pacifier

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The Midwest chill set in,

bone shiver like splinters

with humidity dampening

my shirt to skin, and then

heating pad draped long

across my chest, I picture

my pacifier to quell my mind

and to distract stress to tickle

my heart, a steady warmth

instead of beating it to death.

I move my lips in search

of new skin to lick into record

my repertoire of tid-bits

I’ve learned from the pacifier,

more often than not, I suck at…

Paralyzed by Fear (updated)

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I do everything to do it, prepare and pump myself up, then instead, I do everything BUT DO IT! The frustration with myself eventually led me here, out of journal, seething.

One might wonder: What is IT?

Often logical like making and keeping medical appointments, shopping, and paying bills, those things now relative to PTSD that evoke emotions of pain, struggle, and loss I’ve endured.

Other ways I find myself paralyzed, though similar in the ‘why’ my fear is so great to be hurt, are more irrational, like what I’m currently dealing with…

Long story long, I asked him a question about his writing, and I’m scared to go back to see the reply…

OR the lack thereof…I guess therein is my problem. He’s been so kind in the past, I fear he’ll tire of my interest.

I love my bubble 🫧 At this point in my life, the shell of me that’s left after 50 years is a bubble.

Too much fucking baggage, right??? YES!!!

I know.

So, what now…

I DID IT!

Fear conquered.

I listened to the voice that calms my mind, his words of rhythm enchanting my soul to dance, then it was courage I found with his wisdom guiding me back to look and see if I received a reply, and to my great relief and surprise, his face lit up my night saying everything right:

I love it!

He made yet another dream come true!!!

Honestly, I think my fear, deeper than it seemed, really was that I dared to reach out, to actually make our worlds touch, but didn’t realize I could lose it all by saying too much.

His eyes grazing my words brings an unparalleled warmth into my world. I have need to give him something in return!

Watching him sing, hearing my ‘make me feel high’ note, squeezes my heart til it feels as if it could burst, eyes in a wet-blur, lungs stop filled hot, and as he finishes, I shimmy a slight shake so that my naked breast slaps REPLAY.

If only I could give him my love and a great big hug…

Ohhh boy, I’m being bit by the late night naughty bug, imagining what’d be happening if he were here making my dream real.

my mind’s watering hole

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You came to me, finally.

As the moon hid behind gloom, I lay awake waiting to dream, the pain insane, my muscles twitch with the inflammation itch…

Until…

My breath’s so calm sleep begins believing in relief and follows my subconscious into my mind’s watering hole to bathe in peace…

Then…

A weeping willow provides a canopy draping over my bed placed at the base of a river. The trickling of water over rock pulls my dreamy-eyed glare back to focus…

Finally…

I feel you curl up behind me, your long fingers sliding my hair from off my neck, and nipples pop out with the heat of your breathing as you cup my breast, entering…

(A part of me truly does feel this in and out of my day wanting a connection to you…your voice…your face and in me you pulsate.

That darn yearn is like the incessant meow of an alley cat, prancing its desire up and down my id, trying to trick me into giving in letting down my guard enough to entertain picturing what I really want.

As a wizard, you know what you can do. You do magic! Oh, my beautiful muse, grant me one wish, please make one more dream come true! Once more, I must see you. Say you’ll talk to me some day soon. Oh love, you have no idea the inspiration is in you for me…

Yes. My love feels crazy, but there are no notes of bad, my life’s just kinda sad. Hoping to change that.

to just hide

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I’m scared. No, more like I’m terrified. Nothing is right. The harder I try, the more I realize the problem is that I cannot fathom this continuing on.

I don’t want to be this way, redundancy in subjects I don’t enjoy, like politics, religion, and marriage. I loathe hate. Yes, it makes perfect sense to just hide, run away, pretending the silence isn’t deafening. It seems as if day after day, I have less to say.

It’s a glint of either annoyance or hatred when he looks at me, years of seeing it nearly every time I’m around, that’s what turned me cold. I’ve been feeling so icky, I hate being in the same room. My tummy troubles have returned, but part of me wonders if it’s stress making me nauseous, not a flare of gastroparesis.

I wish to escape, see his face as if I will have a chance to touch his grace…but I must wait. When I want something this much, for my heart, it’s dangerous. I shouldn’t miss him. And yet, I do. I miss sharing words with him, I miss his smile, I miss watching him work, I love observing him play with instruments and people along the way.

But, outside these walls, I don’t exist, and I know it. Until I can trust myself to maintain impulse control, until I can trust that I can stay quiet despite desire burning my heart to moan at his words of wisdom, I think it’s best if I stay here for another late night dreaming about a man I don’t know.