love letter

If I Could

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There’s a look.

If I were weird, I’d screenshot them all, lighten up my dark even more.

There’s a spark.

In your eye, a reflection of knowing, as if omniscient, a glint in your grin that says, “I know what’s coming, don’t you worry.”

What I’d say…

If I Could…

Do you have a happy place you can close your eyes and go to after a long day, into a longer night?

I’m sure you do.

But, my wish upon a shooting star is you use me like a stress ball if your night is hard.

Imagine my hands on you while I’m snug in your arms.

a burning gratitude

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As the season falls, warmth in my world is as elusive as a hummingbird’s wings. I’m tiny, so my bones shiver in the Indiana damp-cold. I fear winter, like death, knowing it’s just the next step. I tend to hibernate in my cave, alone in my mind, waiting desperate for spring, when the sun brings a blaze of shine and I can feel its warmth! Then, my heart can again embrace the possibilities in the next new day.

Despite the darkness of the shadows creeping me out within this season of doubt and world chaos, YOU are a sun who’s shine stimulates waves of warmth to flow through my whole body as you invigorate my brain to pulsate such pleasure, my heart bursts tingles in between nerves in me, and like a sparkler’s fire pops, you create bursts of a warm happiness, a burning gratitude that I get to feel you penitrate my soul.

Invisible

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I don’t fight my ghosts anymore, but I fight being a ghost. My words ignored, my voice annoying…no one notices I stopped speaking. No one caring I left again.

I think that’s why it made me cry when you said, “I see you.”

I believe you more than anyone around me, because if you were to be talking to me, then you’ve read my writing and know me better than anybody.

You keep doing things, saying things, singing things that fit together to create such an intimacy with the real me, I can’t help but create our story one moment at a time to calm my firey mind.

(Honestly, I don’t think you would say to me the ugly, mean things others think are funny.)

You help me build a place where I feel the warmth of love, protecting me like a fire in a forest of real and imaginary creatures.

I live happy with the possibility that some day you’ll come back to me, and each day, I promise, you inspire me to create, to dream.

I hope you know how important you are, filled with brilliance, my star🌟

Rain

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The rain keeps falling, but I’m safe. I’m beneath the covers, holding onto you just below the surface in a graze of hot air we share, and we float as if engulfed in a cloud, steamy-eyed listening to the sounds of our hearts beating the rain.

This tickles me to smile despite the dark clouds crying:

Devil’s Dance (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)

A Dream’s Truth

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The dream is true.

We exist, dreaming of eating together the same peice of sweet truth. We listen to each other’s desires sung in the poetry of possibilities, a game of intrigue in which we spar scars and sorrow with love and laughter building trust in tomorrow.

The dream is true.

You are mine to play with anytime…

IN MY MIND.

I wish you were clay, and I could mold you into a clone of yourself and keep you with me in bed, probing you, pulling my fingers across every inch of your skin, nuzzling as I learn your grooves, your dimples, your lips with my kiss…

Yes, this is my wish as I shower away my sighs this morning, knowing my dream of love will only exist inside me, pent-up clenched tight, waiting for your light to do my dream right!

(I’m so lucky! Your voice through my day and reels at night help keep me going through the problems and pain as if you’re with me each day, except I barely say a thing.

For the first time since we met, I’m not afraid you’ll hate me or cut me off for something inappropriate I’ve said or might say some day. In my world, that’s more than progress, it’s truly established my trust. I struggle to hold onto people I love. Often it’s me who gets too scared to get hurt, so I run away and give up.

I’m trying to GROW UP.

Trust me, for the last 20 years, the wisdom in your music has helped me process my reality. Now, you really are a dream I NEED in me;)

I’ve been processing this feeling for a week and still don’t know how to say anything, lol.

I just keep reaching out to touch

squeeze me…please

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I’ve been through a lot over the last three decades since I’ve been an adult. I moved umpteen times, but despite the states having different weather, I could never escape myself. I rode darkness like a wave through days as if all in me was OK. All-encompassing love became an unattainable dream, never to be reality. And I settled into my bed, and I satisfied myself…that was fine til I die, which, of course, will be coming soon, spinal cord injury makes old a body like mine, I think, God, how much longer can I survive?

You…then, you…your energy electrified my insides with passion not pain!

I find myself feeling things I CANNOT explain.

I want for something I know is not for someone like me.

For the first time, I know why I don’t feel complete.

The gulp that gets stuck in my throat, taking away my breath…the need to feel you, to have you squeeze me, drives me insane.

The crave almost hurts. I can’t turn you off, the feel of you so sweet, I keep hitting repeat…

First Time

Fingers

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Your fingers dance with me in my dreams, patterns of pleasure with every twist, every bend

A finger removes a lock of hair pinned to my cheek before you bow down to kiss me deep

I take your hand in mine, my lips carress each digit, opening a nip to envelop every tip

After having your hand hold mine, I want to go back in time, or meet me, come in my door

I don’t trust

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I can’t even trust myself anymore. I’m so scared for the beginning to be the end. I revert to protecting my SELF. I doubt and I push and I cry:

“I have more to say, don’t go away! You’ll forget me in your world so full! You taught me to want to fly again! My fear tells me nothing good is for me so I must not be seeing things clearly. I can’t escape thinking of us meeting, please Zack, I’m pleading!”

Colorful dreams are all I can feel, for a mystical beauty is what you show me. Every image, every place, every instrument, every face, you exude a saving GRACE!

I want to tell you, but you’ll know, what I want doesn’t matter in my world. No matter how I try I can’t keep hope alive.

My 4th??? Maggots, no joke, invaded my garbage cans, then garage, after the refrigerator broke, fireworks canceled, everyone eracible but me, until alone I got bit by a bug poisoning my dream when I feel the most beauty.

Today hard long day, people challenging, emotions stale only family around picking on my flaws, but then, my sadness smells like flowers as I watch you sing, curing everything.

I’ll never make myself let go. No, so lovely a personality, you I can’t help but want to follow…even when you forget I exist.

I’ll build myself back up. I have to, always do. But, it’s easier with your words help.