inspiration

beautiful fear

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So dangerous to me…a beautiful fear. Watching you sing, so titilating. I can’t get enough, so I tried to cut myself off. I refused for a day to indulge…

No!

I tell myself, trying to be good, wondering what you’d let me do if only I could.

And that’s what gets me into trouble. I’m new to seeing someone so lovely, so close that I get confused, hot emotions wild, imagining you’re singing to me “under the covers” when my mouth meets yours, and that beautiful fear disappears as I inhale you while you’re near.

I have decided to begin challenging my anxiety, push my triggers and explore how to see and do more…

Today, I did it.

I’m practicing leaving my house by myself. I must conquer my fears and vanquish the lack of confidence that have kept me trapped…

Idependence achieved! I went with a girlfriend to Michigan for the first time (with no family) in seven years. Baby steps, but it’s a start.

A goal: To find you, love, some day, some how.

You make up my bucket list truth be told.

When I’m grounded, an adult unable to control my world, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you. Funny, I pretend you’re seeing me, when really I have no idea if we’ll ever see each other again.

My heart has already jumped on your ride, and you’re so powerful, you blow my mind!

In fact, like butterscotch pudding thick and sweet tongue-scooped to fill my mouth, eyes closed…the swallow…pleasure seeping into my body, that’s what you did to me today.

Oh…My!

Everyone asleep, I crave another peek, so off to the garage I sneak for another moment between you and me.

I wish I could give you even a sliver of the overwhelming pleasure, gratitude I feel when I see you. You cradle me when I want to crawl out of my skin, when I want to disappear, you help me find calm. I may just be talking to myself, but while I take you in, for a moment, I’m free, I’m wanted, I’ve got you to hold. A moment does my blues a wave of good, and I get to repeat that feeling while I sleep, finally able to touch you again.

Oh my, what a silly woman am I!

LOOK…SEE

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I don’t have to look to see, a perfect picture memory. Each reel turns up bright any time I close my eyes, runs as black and white shadows exposing my favorite plays, endearing expressions, rogue games of intellectual fun, silliness so sweet, I eat it up, starving for more treats, and centered deep as if tickled in a yet to be discovered part, I giggle with innocent elation for the shining star of my dreams, a musical angel who comforts me, teaching transcending pain to bloom a new beginning.

Oh, to share your air…to physically feel the energy flow from your fingers, from your lips, to observe your personality dance again…oh me, oh my, what a silly romantic am I!!!

I know better, no way, but I embrace the dream at midnight as I fall asleep;)

Oddest Flowers

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Even the oddest

flowers can flourish.

No sowing.

At first, just a seed

blowing when it falls

into a driveway crack,

and dormant instinct

roots foundation through

the black tar and gravel

until the magic of a spring

environment rains

light-food and nutrient-water

to seep deep then

an unlikely flower pushes

with burgeoning strength

through paved black-top.

Resiliency from infancy.

That’s me.

Gut Giggle

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Deep in the gut, a giggle floats up, sweetening a sour tummy to jiggle like jello covered in honey!

As you dance, a boy with a balloon, exuding passion through your spirit so real, so true, you are a perfect picture of youth loving life.

I’m so, so, so, SOOOO happy for you!

Each day the birds sing a tale anew, the greatest treasure of a poet is a muse. Mine is you.

A ladybug, invisible,

held in the sticky

yellow center of a bud,

blindly reaching

for the nourishment

of the firey sun,

rooted on the bank

of a riverbend,

a journey neverending,

with a wizard watching

ashore mesmerizing

waves swirling 

with his staff playing,

inspiring the circle

light to bursting

color into the world,

a hot hug of love.

Undiscovered Hope

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A creepy, crawling caterpillar can do it, so can I. I’ll find a way to a butterfly! The undiscovered hope is here. The light, the fire is in me, I hear the truth, I listen to the point, and I love too much the inspiration in his voice, makes me laugh and blush with innocence and joy, happy tears build release.

I hear the truth:

Undiscovered County

Baby steps, lol…

A new fire burns in me, I travel with it in my dreams where magic loves working for me.

You Fill My Empty Cup

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Awakening

with a smile,

lungs full caught

p-a-u-s-e,

I creep my arms

from a cross

over my chest

to hands clasped

like butterfly wings

at the base of my neck,

remembering

the sweetest dream:

You knowing me.

As a perfect stranger,

you hear me better

than anyone

in my daily reality.

In my world,

everything I think

is so misunderstood,

lately I didn’t know 

if I contain

anything good.

You fill my empty cup clean full up with the most marvelous tea, leaves illuminating color in everything, a dawning of beauty within me. Sobering slow, enjoying every single moment as I go in the spirit of Carpe Diem! In awe.

blue used to feel black

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Blue used to feel black, like a head whack! But, with a smack! back, because of you, blue feels bright almost a teal tropical skyline at dawn, shady clouds hanging out, shaking off the grey dew warmed to twinkle in the sun anew. When my melancholy mind is on the attack and all feels forever daunting and totally MAD,  watching you transforms the blue and tickles my soul to make even my eyes smile, reminding me, things aren’t so bad, just find a way to laugh;)

Grounded

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GROUNDED! I am. Hope is like magic to me. In a hopeful magic-mirror, I see a side of me that’s happy, electrified with new prospects of fun, giddy to grind with lust on my mind.      

BUT      Magic isn’t real. It’s a con.

When my brain gets too excited, it girgles naughty thoughts, and it tricks me into creating a story I want to hear, a fairy tale.     

About my days, I go slow, eyes looking up, thinking in pictures of…  

what if I found a connection

with a passionate friend, who tickles my fancy, OH yes, a muse for my fantasies…     

Every look, every touch elevates your love…that’s how I wish you’d feel about me, addicted like I’m your very favorite thing.  

Melancholy madness, knowing my truth. No magic can make me hope something will change. I’m doomed to accept my lustless fate, so I guess I’ll just go back to sleep.         

YET         

(I tell you true, this is happening right now!!!)

A yellow finch just now called my attention from my red pen bleeding onto my notebook paper.

Wheels turning I had to ponder, What is this bird saying?

He just keeps singing louder and louder, then I spot him high on a flexible limb, a cloud white floating as his backdrop:

“STOP! LOOK UP!”

He sang so lovely, not at all like the other birds, a voice and rhythm all his own.

Then, a sparrow chimes, “Just live…and be…love life…reality!”

As if stung by the sun, my eyes close, the pain in my neck feels like a knife in the muscle just turned, so a frown pulling my chin down, I wheel back into the cold darkness of the garage and close the door with a wrist-flip, twisting the deadbolt locked.

Enveloped by darkness, I see the remnants of that circle of light and I blink a quick-

CLICK!

Like a photograph, within my mind, I snap-shot this moment in real time where the moon eclipses the sun making me feel warm, less alone.

(I hope you never doubt your worth! I long to show you how much I need you in my life, or I swear I wouldn’t have been able to hang in this long:)

Smoke Spirits

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Let’s go back to before my accident…It’s 1990, a blowout bonfire at the end of school next to Midwest cornfield, I stood staring into the flames dancing hot waves, and I felt warmed deep in my soul, not from the heat of the fire, but as if an invisible smoke spirit floated from the bottom embers to smoke sucked up my nose.

I wondered then, as I do now again, if what I felt was true or just me way back when in a weird mood?

Tonight, with a puff of smoke (thanks to the dragon downthe way;)…

POOF! PRESTO!

Off to snap the net for the Mythology of smoke spirits:

World Mythology confirmation 👍

I now understand my reaction:

Smoke Spirits

Two smoke spirits ablaze

Dancing irredecent

Shaping shadows

Two smoke spirits escaping

Ethereal displacement

Rising UP

Two smoke spirits away

A Transcendence

Feet to Ground

A new go-round.

A Joyful Tear

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A joyful tear drops on my breast whilst watching the face in the mirror beat drums upon a colorful chest, reflecting what I want to be thinking, if only I could. Here, at the end of my finger tips, when there’s a mess going on in the world and at home, and I want to abscond, when I need grace, compassion, and strength, I’m so thankful to have a place to escape where I wear genuine smile for a change.

II

Inspiration found my Wookiee!

III

In the placenta-like sac of my soul a Wookiee pounds to break out.

Two fierce fists grip the walls, yanking open and tearing through.

The Wookiee be my soul re-born inspired, complete, thankful, free!