inspiration

Triumphant

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Dark shadows be damned, this morning as a block party began, I didn’t think I could muster the courage to go, so I asked myself, If he could, what do you think he would’ve said???

And I held his power tight, my mind ready to do that party right! And I rocked the night (a gummy helper to keep my anxiety bugs outta sight;) chatting with a political candidate and his beautiful Guatemalan wife, I mended beloved bridges I destroyed with old friends.

I used a little bit of latent moxie, and I’m triumphant! I made a positive memory!!! In the world of anxiety and PTSD, triggers are negativity grown like brain-weeds, strangling reality, so good memories mean more than gold, so precious life without them is madness.

With my other sleeping until his hangover (yes, I’m the always ‘dry’ one), tonight I’m happy cleaning alone, listening to my favorite album, dancing when no one sees, relishing my successful story, waiting to warm up my dreams in a lullaby, eyes dropping to us dancing cheek-to-cheek behind the light of my screen as I fall asleep.

Such a creature of habit, is it obvious that I’m an addict? I did all my fun young, now I smoke my medicine, drink my coffee, and deal each day with whatever shit is thrown my way. Don’t know if what I’m doing is healthy, but for the love of this life, floating feels so wonderful, it’s worth everything.

A Note

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Finger taps, gentle raps

tap  —   tap  —   tap

In a wait, heart aches

rap  —  rap  —  rap

Circles, thoughts pound

round — round — round

Intake, your new sound

Dear Muse: I eat your words, brain food that packs a punch, nourishment for life I need to get by, an inspiration encouraging motivation…Oh, the voice that calms the pain in my daily routine is priceless to me! I wish I could give something back.

Does love from someone you don’t know mean anything?

(The question cracks me up, honestly, sure he’d find it creepy,  lol.

Here and now, I admit that controlling my inappropriate impulsivity is challenging, especially when it’s such lovely fun to escape. I’ve had an epiphany over the last few days as that insane crave grew into a monster, and I allowed myself to practice taking off my armor.

Naked and vulnerable, I hope to share unabashedly in the future because that’s how I find lately that I heal.)

To the birds

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Way back, a few months ago, a bird called me from the garage incessantly while I was furious, writing my angst out, by repeating what I’m serious sounded like “Look UP! Look UP!” I hadn’t heard it before that day, and I hadn’t heard it since, that is, until yesterday…I caught it on video, not one but two birds were calling me out, lol!!!

A couple, I think:)

Stuck in the house? No, time to fly out.

Patterns

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Rigid patterns

Frigid heart

(Shuts out sparks,

Nothing stays)

Rainbow bright

–Out damn night–

Dreams fill days

More, I crave

Mourning up

I splat down

Long fingers

Linger latent

Extend strength

Aide my angst

Defend my fate

A wise prophet

A proffering

I inhale deep

In you seep…

You saving me

(A soul so cold

died long ago,

Back to life

Every night)

Legacy

I see G Love in Kalamazoo, MI in August. (Got to meet him a 4th of July like 10 years ago, so sweet, have a blurry picture, lol). Wish you were there.

beautiful fear

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So dangerous to me…a beautiful fear. Watching you sing, so titilating. I can’t get enough, so I tried to cut myself off. I refused for a day to indulge…

No!

I tell myself, trying to be good, wondering what you’d let me do if only I could.

And that’s what gets me into trouble. I’m new to seeing someone so lovely, so close that I get confused, hot emotions wild, imagining you’re singing to me “under the covers” when my mouth meets yours, and that beautiful fear disappears as I inhale you while you’re near.

I have decided to begin challenging my anxiety, push my triggers and explore how to see and do more…

Today, I did it.

I’m practicing leaving my house by myself. I must conquer my fears and vanquish the lack of confidence that have kept me trapped…

Idependence achieved! I went with a girlfriend to Michigan for the first time (with no family) in seven years. Baby steps, but it’s a start.

A goal: To find you, love, some day, some how.

You make up my bucket list truth be told.

When I’m grounded, an adult unable to control my world, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you. Funny, I pretend you’re seeing me, when really I have no idea if we’ll ever see each other again.

My heart has already jumped on your ride, and you’re so powerful, you blow my mind!

In fact, like butterscotch pudding thick and sweet tongue-scooped to fill my mouth, eyes closed…the swallow…pleasure seeping into my body, that’s what you did to me today.

Oh…My!

Everyone asleep, I crave another peek, so off to the garage I sneak for another moment between you and me.

I wish I could give you even a sliver of the overwhelming pleasure, gratitude I feel when I see you. You cradle me when I want to crawl out of my skin, when I want to disappear, you help me find calm. I may just be talking to myself, but while I take you in, for a moment, I’m free, I’m wanted, I’ve got you to hold. A moment does my blues a wave of good, and I get to repeat that feeling while I sleep, finally able to touch you again.

Oh my, what a silly woman am I!

LOOK…SEE

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I don’t have to look to see, a perfect picture memory. Each reel turns up bright any time I close my eyes, runs as black and white shadows exposing my favorite plays, endearing expressions, rogue games of intellectual fun, silliness so sweet, I eat it up, starving for more treats, and centered deep as if tickled in a yet to be discovered part, I giggle with innocent elation for the shining star of my dreams, a musical angel who comforts me, teaching transcending pain to bloom a new beginning.

Oh, to share your air…to physically feel the energy flow from your fingers, from your lips, to observe your personality dance again…oh me, oh my, what a silly romantic am I!!!

I know better, no way, but I embrace the dream at midnight as I fall asleep;)

Oddest Flowers

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Even the oddest

flowers can flourish.

No sowing.

At first, just a seed

blowing when it falls

into a driveway crack,

and dormant instinct

roots foundation through

the black tar and gravel

until the magic of a spring

environment rains

light-food and nutrient-water

to seep deep then

an unlikely flower pushes

with burgeoning strength

through paved black-top.

Resiliency from infancy.

That’s me.

Gut Giggle

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Deep in the gut, a giggle floats up, sweetening a sour tummy to jiggle like jello covered in honey!

As you dance, a boy with a balloon, exuding passion through your spirit so real, so true, you are a perfect picture of youth loving life.

I’m so, so, so, SOOOO happy for you!

Each day the birds sing a tale anew, the greatest treasure of a poet is a muse. Mine is you.

A ladybug, invisible,

held in the sticky

yellow center of a bud,

blindly reaching

for the nourishment

of the firey sun,

rooted on the bank

of a riverbend,

a journey neverending,

with a wizard watching

ashore mesmerizing

waves swirling 

with his staff playing,

inspiring the circle

light to bursting

color into the world,

a hot hug of love.

Undiscovered Hope

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A creepy, crawling caterpillar can do it, so can I. I’ll find a way to a butterfly! The undiscovered hope is here. The light, the fire is in me, I hear the truth, I listen to the point, and I love too much the inspiration in his voice, makes me laugh and blush with innocence and joy, happy tears build release.

I hear the truth:

Undiscovered County

Baby steps, lol…

A new fire burns in me, I travel with it in my dreams where magic loves working for me.

You Fill My Empty Cup

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Awakening

with a smile,

lungs full caught

p-a-u-s-e,

I creep my arms

from a cross

over my chest

to hands clasped

like butterfly wings

at the base of my neck,

remembering

the sweetest dream:

You knowing me.

As a perfect stranger,

you hear me better

than anyone

in my daily reality.

In my world,

everything I think

is so misunderstood,

lately I didn’t know 

if I contain

anything good.

You fill my empty cup clean full up with the most marvelous tea, leaves illuminating color in everything, a dawning of beauty within me. Sobering slow, enjoying every single moment as I go in the spirit of Carpe Diem! In awe.