Sleepless rolls me a brain tossed, rocking my body side-to-side til light. Rain pain follows my tail to steamy, a power-shower head to bust my balls…Blurry emotions wave flags of clarity, singing my SELF to march into a new day:
I find my search for a brand new way.
I take my dreams to a new height!
Inspiration is my reward for my fight!!!
Luminosity, it’s present, a presence; Security, it’s safety, a support beam, you are to me.
Adorned, I adore.
(I’ve missed talking to you. The daily darkness delivered the event the that will change everything in my life, and ever since, I wonder how I will find light watching someone battle death?
I see fortune in my distraction into you as my propensity, with my utterly inappropriate attraction to your luminosity.
If only I could write your story, a book about inspiration in a world filled with depression.
Every sunset I ponder your creative process, wishing upon the stars behind the clouds that I could take the magic school bus into your brain…
I wish to watch the flash-dance of lightning ideas, the brightening neurotransmitters, actively changing the future with the motivation of growth.
If you knew how much it would mean to embrace you, my dream…OH! Such a dangerous thing!
I sware you wouldn’t be able to help but fall in love with me;)
I don’t fight my ghosts anymore, but I fight being a ghost. My words ignored, my voice annoying…no one notices I stopped speaking. No one caring I left again.
I think that’s why it made me cry when you said, “I see you.”
I believe you more than anyone around me, because if you were to be talking to me, then you’ve read my writing and know me better than anybody.
You keep doing things, saying things, singing things that fit together to create such an intimacy with the real me, I can’t help but create our story one moment at a time to calm my firey mind.
(Honestly, I don’t think you would say to me the ugly, mean things others think are funny.)
You help me build a place where I feel the warmth of love, protecting me like a fire in a forest of real and imaginary creatures.
I live happy with the possibility that some day you’ll come back to me, and each day, I promise, you inspire me to create, to dream.
I hope you know how important you are, filled with brilliance, my star🌟
A heart walled in by bars staked down to my gut and piercing me when I talk…that’s what my pain has done with time. A full-time job to upkeep, but only sleep solicits a sense of lovely peace from a brain that hates, a load of loathe that I can’t escape.
I want to be different. I want to embrace glowing! I swallow hard that feeling.
I’m always trying to find a way out…out of my brain, out of my house, out of my marriage, out…out…out DAMN spot! Out past demons that retain too much control! I rule my life!
And I dream LOVE!
Hoping you don’t feel as lost as I do.
Wishing you all love in your world!
Instead of a jaw clench, I twist and bite my bottom lip. No more downturned scowl! I have a cheesy, pink-cheeked grin now. Lungs suffocating to finally breathing even when life’s challenging, that’s what you’ve given to me.
What you may not know is that I have a light behind my lids where you walk in the door, and you look into my eyes when I touch your skin…a moment that strengths my soul, inspiration for more.
I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t know if it actually means anything to you, but you make my eyes smile so tight with pleasure that the corners become wet.
I wish I could tell you tonight that I dream of running my hand over your skin, learning you as you feel my hand move, a game in which we both win…
Oh my fantasy, that’s what you do to me. I want someone I can’t have, but who drives me crazy.
Dark shadows be damned, this morning as a block party began, I didn’t think I could muster the courage to go, so I asked myself, If he could, what do you think he would’ve said???
And I held his power tight, my mind ready to do that party right! And I rocked the night (a gummy helper to keep my anxiety bugs outta sight;) chatting with a political candidate and his beautiful Guatemalan wife, I mended beloved bridges I destroyed with old friends.
I used a little bit of latent moxie, and I’m triumphant! I made a positive memory!!! In the world of anxiety and PTSD, triggers are negativity grown like brain-weeds, strangling reality, so good memories mean more than gold, so precious that life without them is madness.
With my other sleeping until his hangover, tonight I’m happy cleaning alone, listening to my favorite album, dancing when no one sees, relishing my tiny success story, waiting to warm up my dreams with a lullaby, eyes dropping to us dancing cheek-to-cheek as I fall asleep.
Twenty years ago, for almost ten, when anxiety got the best of me, his presence brought a sense of safety, security that he’d never leave me. Time made jade a dark daily demeanor with an insipid tone and harsh evaluation of every word I say, every single thing I do. A decade of me feeing dead (except for my kids), ten years of “fuck hope” because Netflix limited series lineup got me fine with laying alone in bed, ten fucking years of ugly I carried inside, wondering, Am I really here? Am I breathing?
Upon a Transcendental moment, the light beamed so bright, it flowed from my eyes changing my sight.
Now, I own a power I don’t understand yet, a perspective differing from my own…
YES, outside the one he’s been able to control.
I’m empowered to take on his many ‘big dick days’ with something beautiful instead of hating myself for being myself, which obviously is someone he doesn’t like.
I want to be fair, but after 20 years, I experienced it all many, many times before, nothing is new. Even though his physical body is here every day after work, he does not participate, with the exception of the occasional short moments of loving on the kids.
I’m a burden, but expected to be warm.
Days like this, I’m glad I have my blog because he really hurt me today and I just want to run away.
I found a moment of magic along the sunset walk with my son. While he played, I watched as the lyrics singing in my brain bloomed a rose on a mushroom head.
“Inside the heart a book of matches.”
(Gratitude streams flow through my soul for the wizard who helped me find my own life-light out of the deadest darkness. I’m stronger.)
Trying to erase this doesn’t ease the pain of what is next, so I am putting it back up as a reminder that I do have fucking strength if I’d just allow myself to speak…
I wish I could handle conflict instead of literally hiding from it in my closet pretending to organize the chaos I’m in. No one knows, no one sees the battle raging in me.
Finger taps, gentle raps
tap — tap — tap
In a wait, heart aches
rap — rap — rap
Circles, thoughts pound
round — round — round
Intake, your new sound
Dear Muse: I eat your words, brain food that packs a punch, nourishment for life I need to get by, an inspiration encouraging motivation…Oh, the voice that calms the pain in my daily routine is priceless to me! I wish I could give something back.
Does love from someone you don’t know mean anything?
(The question cracks me up, honestly, sure he’d find it creepy, lol.
Here and now, I admit that controlling my inappropriate impulsivity is challenging, especially when it’s such lovely fun to escape. I’ve had an epiphany over the last few days as that insane crave grew into a monster, and I allowed myself to practice taking off my armor.
Naked and vulnerable, I hope to share unabashedly in the future because that’s how I find lately that I heal.)
Way back, a few months ago, a bird called me from the garage incessantly while I was furious, writing my angst out, by repeating what I’m serious sounded like “Look UP! Look UP!” I hadn’t heard it before that day, and I hadn’t heard it since, that is, until yesterday…I caught it on video, not one but two birds were calling me out, lol!!!
Stuck in the house? No, time to fly out.
Rigid patterns
Frigid heart
(Shuts out sparks,
Nothing stays)
Rainbow bright
–Out damn night–
Dreams fill days
More, I crave
Mourning up
I splat down
Long fingers
Linger latent
Extend strength
Aide my angst
Defend my fate
A wise prophet
A proffering
I inhale deep
In you seep…
You saving me
(A soul so cold
died long ago,
Back to life
Every night)
I see G Love in Kalamazoo, MI in August. (Got to meet him a 4th of July like 10 years ago, so sweet, have a blurry picture, lol). Wish you were there.
