I get bad brain days where no matter how I push upbeat, positive thoughts, reality keeps punching me out, but I will keep fighting my demons. When he is around the tougher it is to fight, so today I’m cleaning across the street, and tonight I will road trip with a friend.
A side promise to myself, I will NOT delete my shit…my muse is too important, he’s the inspiration that brings light to my night.
I’m reminded of Mercutio’s rant on dreams:
Ok so I’m not that DRAMA, am I?
LOL:)
Effervescent ideas bubble emotions as I lie awake wanting to teleport to you, watch you create. Unrealistic, yet I see a dream of a Chicago meet…No matter how, a conversation, such a simple connection, will show me I’m not dead and dumb inside…already, you’ve made an impression that changed my life.
Ablaze, my heart beats for one more time.
Control. I will own my control.
No more weak, no more speaking fucking meek, I know what I need.
I need ME to stop being a pussy and find my cheetah: direct, confident, and fast as lightning when chasing what it wants to eat for sustenance, for brain candy.
I’m taking back my control to reestablish connection with my soul…Even drowning, I want to be able to dance a groove on the ocean floor!
Control. I will own my control. A wheeled wonder woman ready to pave my own road, that’s what I want to be.
I’ve been through a lot over the last three decades since I’ve been an adult. I moved umpteen times, but despite the states having different weather, I could never escape myself. I rode darkness like a wave through days as if all in me was OK. All-encompassing love became an unattainable dream, never to be reality. And I settled into my bed, and I satisfied myself…that was fine til I die, which, of course, will be coming soon, spinal cord injury makes old a body like mine, I think, God, how much longer can I survive?
You…then, you…your energy electrified my insides with passion not pain!
I find myself feeling things I CANNOT explain.
I want for something I know is not for someone like me.
For the first time, I know why I don’t feel complete.
The gulp that gets stuck in my throat, taking away my breath…the need to feel you, to have you squeeze me, drives me insane.
The crave almost hurts. I can’t turn you off, the feel of you so sweet, I keep hitting repeat…
A heart walled in by bars staked down to my gut and piercing me when I talk…that’s what my pain has done with time. A full-time job to upkeep, but only sleep solicits a sense of lovely peace from a brain that hates, a load of loathe that I can’t escape.
I want to be different. I want to embrace glowing! I swallow hard that feeling.
I’m always trying to find a way out…out of my brain, out of my house, out of my marriage, out…out…out DAMN spot! Out past demons that retain too much control! I rule my life!
And I dream LOVE!
Hoping you don’t feel as lost as I do.
Wishing you all love in your world!
I’m aware. These days when you don’t know someone, connection is doubtful. Hope feels more like a bejeweled threat of disappointment.
The new moon’s face
a mask of clouds.
Two days of staying away from home and routine, well, I kinda crazy-crave taking in your light…to hear you speak again, that’s what gets me warm and bright tonight.
I can’t miss you (I’m sure you’d say). I disagree. You are a lullaby that heals me while I sleep, my sweet.
I wonder if I wander, putting me by your side, would you pet my mind?
Instead of a jaw clench, I twist and bite my bottom lip. No more downturned scowl! I have a cheesy, pink-cheeked grin now. Lungs suffocating to finally breathing even when life’s challenging, that’s what you’ve given to me.
What you may not know is that I have a light behind my lids where you walk in the door, and you look into my eyes when I touch your skin…a moment that strengths my soul, inspiration for more.
I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t know if it actually means anything to you, but you make my eyes smile so tight with pleasure that the corners become wet.
I wish I could tell you tonight that I dream of running my hand over your skin, learning you as you feel my hand move, a game in which we both win…
Oh my fantasy, that’s what you do to me. I want someone I can’t have, but who drives me crazy.
I keep getting caught feelin’ all smiling…hot.
I’m ADHD, so I constantly move, doing this or organizing that, unless lost in a reverie, seeing in my mind somewhere, someone beautiful to me. Recently, I find you riding me in moments where others ask, “What are you thinking about?”
I keep coming up with a quick fix, yet it’s surprising when, outta the blue, I have these momentary lapses of reason, in which I’m so happy…my face is sore wanting MORE! Boy, you nailed my sweet spot.
And though busy nights and days keep me from being able to find your face, images so very tantalizing I’m giddy waiting to go again, I love to do it again and again and again in my head with a lucidity that gets me caught;)
I won a music league round with this song.
Immediate impulse
Swelling with hot pervasion
sparkler-tingles juicing me up
in my center, I hold my breath
I just gotta see it again
Oh, I growl, a craven sound,
“I want to eat you now!”
My eyes close imagining
my lips planting a kiss
on the supple skin
of your left dancing hip…
Hand over my mouth
a bit of drool coming out,
for I stop myself slow
Immediate impulse
Licking the phone
(Sorry, I don’t know how to share the adorable clip picture thingy of riding a mechanical ‘bull’ but a hot corn dog! I shit you not, it got me in a funny way that I’m struggling to ignore with an “Oh! I love you!” Yelled out uncontrolled, lol…I crack myself up sometimes 😅)
Ok so here, this helps to calm me as my theme music when life becomes overwhelming (from an absolutely adored album & my music league entry for round of 7min or longer:)
But, of course this is followed by one of my favorite love songs of all-time…a dedication, if I may be romantic and bold
Funny how my brain works.
You are the blanket that I sleep with, my cosy cover that protects me from my nightmares (the ones that used to make me yell when I sleep). Security singing me goodnight with a warm caress, the corner wrapped around my chin while dreams roll movies vivid…sexy…coming unexpected, coming…naturally, organic moments I don’t create, moments my brain has its way, and you’re next to me, kissing my desires like they matter…as for me, my lips eat you like my favorite treat, always so luscious, so sweet, especially when I’m laughing, cheeks sore from smiling so wide.
Yes, my blankie is so very important in my world. A childishness I cradle just before the clock strikes midnight, like magic will happen and one day, some day my blanket will come to life giving meaning to all my strife…
I know, I know, yeah right, lol.
Eyes finally closing while I write after a true storm that knocked out all power in my town, I have a truth: I found an out! I’m going to start cleaning across the street at my English teacher friend/neighbor’s house (she’s separating from a guy who’s contentious:( yet, she and I agree that I need a way to find FREE!
