In a battle with my SELF. There’s no blue, no gray: BLACK and white only. Both just as necessary, both needing control;
Trying to figure shit out, both pissing me off! Darkness absorbing light, white fights a push back. Both churning growth.
In a battle with my SELF. I will fight to be red, different than in my head, understanding my misunderstood.
A creepy, crawling caterpillar can do it, so can I. I’ll find a way to a butterfly! The undiscovered hope is here. The light, the fire is in me, I hear the truth, I listen to the point, and I love too much the inspiration in his voice, makes me laugh and blush with innocence and joy, happy tears build release.
I hear the truth:
Baby steps, lol…
A new fire burns in me, I travel with it in my dreams where magic loves working for me.
A simple gesture that means so much, using my name, I am STUNNED and touched. Each night you teach me. I travel to worlds I’ve never known. Oh, how I love watching you roam!
Rained out fun for my son, everyone already in bed for the night, except for me, ya know, usual shit at the usual time…
Yet…
Quiet is no longer deafening, I can pull up a memory and watch you sing, silently hoping some day to touch you again. Like shedding my battle-scared skin for a new image of myself, like my soul exchanging a blackhole for a sunrise, I’ve dared to enjoy the fall.
Honestly, I don’t think a personality has ever been more lustrous. Hot damn! I absolutely adore every piece of your puzzle!
Oh, how I can imagine, with you, a snuggle😉
You’re too addictive if I’m being honest. Of course, I want more. I have to push, push, PUSH my desire deep, where maybe it’ll fall asleep because right now, I sware…
I yearn to learn you more each night, traveling dreams to feel your light.
Awakening
with a smile,
lungs full caught
p-a-u-s-e,
I creep my arms
from a cross
over my chest
to hands clasped
like butterfly wings
at the base of my neck,
remembering
the sweetest dream:
You knowing me.
As a perfect stranger,
you hear me better
than anyone
in my daily reality.
In my world,
everything I think
is so misunderstood,
lately I didn’t know
if I contain
anything good.
You fill my empty cup clean full up with the most marvelous tea, leaves illuminating color in everything, a dawning of beauty within me. Sobering slow, enjoying every single moment as I go in the spirit of Carpe Diem! In awe.
In the shower this morning, running late for a playdate, I listen to my daily dose of musical poetry when words I’ve never heard before ring true from my phone, and the images begin to pour upon my skull, drips of magnetic magic that transform to steam up the room, twist up my nose and tumble in my core…gems of meaning uncover themselves, bringing drops rolling from my eyes, closed with a wizard behind.
Bubbles gathered in my hair, I rinse, the dead down the drain with that wizard’s creative magic.
As dusk dawns my new day, I reflect for time three:
Oh, my Wizard, a spell more! My urges implore.
Finally alone, open door on my mind…Smoke fills the garage as I blow ‘Dante’s Inferno’ out, no longer a harpie eating the leaves of Hell’s Trees. Not me! I finally reflect the light of living!
Shadows dancing out of the smoke to past songs, until I feast on the novel burning beneath, in my heart, squeezing your image in my chest, ready again to feel your OH, so lovely magic notes!
Fireworks bursting all around me, I feel like Mickey Mouse as the Sorcerer’s Apprentice, and while the Wizard sleeps, I want to play with all his tools! Innocent at first I tinker, but words with me tend to get away as things I shouldn’t think or say.
Therefore, overwhelmed with adoration, everything I want to say seems wrong, too much, just like me.
I didn’t celebrate July 4th last year, politically too pissed, but this year the explosions are going off inside me and I feel like the only thing that might help is to go lie down…allow darkness and the storm’s thunder to settle…and begin to travel to a magical castle, his hand in mine, and I turn his palm up so I can kiss the center as I look in his eyes, thank him for coming into my life.
The rest of the story is yet to be told. I love watching his stories unfold!!!
I want to feel the joy of nose nuzzles and clandestine kisses, I want love that swells and sways.
I stay silent, hiding my true theme: I love more than I should say. I want someone who’s not mine.
I think it best if I go away until something changes, otherwise, I’ll be ranting and raving.
(-I need to break out of my cell-)
Wish I knew how 🤔
I wish desire, I wish passion mattered. Any poem, any card, any piece of writing I’ve shared meant less than nothing, in fact, the attempts at romance were annoying.
Surprised? Nearly 20 years. So what?
I’m done.
He doesn’t even realize I’m already gone.
Waiting to bloom, my flower needs the sun’s light, but first, I endure the rain through night.
SCREEEEECH! SLAM! BAM…Bam! I knew it was coming, yet I didn’t expect an actual CRASH. I had finally willed myself to go, to be, to do, listening to pick-me-up songs, windows low to give my thoughts a blow…
But, NO! NO! NO! My curse will always find me and make good go from bad to oh so much worse!
A panic attack, a cop, and at home a toke, off to bed to escape my traumatized mind, PTSD triggered my brain is not kind.
I slept with no dreams, which was what I needed. The new day begun, I find myself cleaning with purpose again. I think to myself, “Obviously, this is where I belong.”
As I stuff my birthday bouquet of flowers into the garbage can, dead petals with a whimsical spin land on the tepid summer floor I had just swept.
I stare comatose at my atrophied feet, my breathing barely noticeable. The huuummm of the fidget, as it’s going to die, sounds like a rocket taking off, getting louder and louder and louder until I finally looked up…
From the far back of my blackhole of a brain muscle, where the sun and the moon and the stars full shine, I hear whispers tickling my neck at the spine:
“To thyself be kind, appreciate the complexity of your mind!”
The orange glow swallowed by night outside, waiting for water to boil, my love light the only witness hearing the fire working below, and tired I forgot to withhold my impulse to dream a moment that I’d love to occur.
It’s so brief and gripping that for a few seconds I lost my breath, hand to heart, and I had to rest my head upon the edge of the cutting board! With a barrel laugh that echoes throughout my empty house, I reflect what I saw:
Across from you for the first time ready to talk, a mission of queries to keep hopelessly inappropriate thoughts out, you grin innocent.
As if it’s totally normal, I start, “OK, forgive me but before we begin, I need to feel your face.”
And to my surprise, you lean forward with an intent stare…
As if blind with eyes wide, my hands move to hold both of your cheeks, fingers fan around your brow, circling round your eyes, until my thumb traces your jaw bone up by your ear, and here I move forward wanting to
Oh, NO!!!
But, my boiling insides remind me that this is how I’d fuck shit up!
(After Days of essay writing, imagination plays tricks on me…a hotel room for a conversation, why ever would he allow me to experience him so intimately, what is my brain thinking, lol;)
I used to go to bed with a frown furrowing my brow, past pain interfering with peace mind, brain buzzing insults I’m trying to sleep-heal.
Now, a smile spreads solace across my face, visions of a lustrous star makes me feel temporarily safe.
Gurgling I flounder,
lungs burning, strangled
to suffocate in silence, and
just as I see the light,
I inhale the water, baptized
in the death of an old soul
to arise a new spirit.
The light engulfs me
(lips cracked dehydrated
dead head and limbs)
as I wave lifeless, and light
forms a plump bubble,
protection, wisking me out
from the dark depths
of a nightmarish abyss.
Boyant I float, basking
warm in comfort, support,
UP-LIFTED so very high…
as I begin to breathe,
as I begin to believe,
clearer my piece of mind…
Your chin cradled where
my head meets body,
breathing a breeze
ultimately refreshing!!!
sweet as candy,
as addictive
as lips part crack…
The layers of depth,
the hints of wandering,
the offering of perspective,
a journey of enlightenment
from beginning to end,
a glittering reflection
of intuitive introspection
this is what you showed me:
The open road of possibility,
the hills of the adventure,
golden fields, a canopy tree
the ocean waving the breeze,
even a pole calling me to speak
images of the beauty
I can’t see in my world,
I can’t find in me,
you expose me to a warmth
that tints my cheeks as fuchsia
as your flamingo shirt,
with my brain’s heat
pervading by body,
affixed I watch a star bursting
energy in front of me…
those open sky eyes,
the soft, gentle smile…
a moment I treasure,
filled with joy and laughter,
unlike any my brain
could possibly conceive
made my love light
again begin to glow brightly.
Inspiration to find my road to passion.
Hopelessly Inappropriate Thoughts 