romance

my mind’s watering hole

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You came to me, finally.

As the moon hid behind gloom, I lay awake waiting to dream, the pain insane, my muscles twitch with the inflammation itch…

Until…

My breath’s so calm sleep begins believing in relief and follows my subconscious into my mind’s watering hole to bathe in peace…

Then…

A weeping willow provides a canopy draping over my bed placed at the base of a river. The trickling of water over rock pulls my dreamy-eyed glare back to focus…

Finally…

I feel you curl up behind me, your long fingers sliding my hair from off my neck, and nipples pop out with the heat of your breathing as you cup my breast, entering…

(A part of me truly does feel this in and out of my day wanting a connection to you…your voice…your face and in me you pulsate.

That darn yearn is like the incessant meow of an alley cat, prancing its desire up and down my id, trying to trick me into giving in letting down my guard enough to entertain picturing what I really want.

As a wizard, you know what you can do. You do magic! Oh, my beautiful muse, grant me one wish, please make one more dream come true! Once more, I must see you. Say you’ll talk to me some day soon. Oh love, you have no idea the inspiration is in you for me…

Yes. My love feels crazy, but there are no notes of bad, my life’s just kinda sad. Hoping to change that.

Rain

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The rain keeps falling, but I’m safe. I’m beneath the covers, holding onto you just below the surface in a graze of hot air we share, and we float as if engulfed in a cloud, steamy-eyed listening to the sounds of our hearts beating the rain.

This tickles me to smile despite the dark clouds crying:

Devil’s Dance (Big Bad Voodoo Daddy)

A Dream’s Truth

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The dream is true.

We exist, dreaming of eating together the same peice of sweet truth. We listen to each other’s desires sung in the poetry of possibilities, a game of intrigue in which we spar scars and sorrow with love and laughter building trust in tomorrow.

The dream is true.

You are mine to play with anytime…

IN MY MIND.

I wish you were clay, and I could mold you into a clone of yourself and keep you with me in bed, probing you, pulling my fingers across every inch of your skin, nuzzling as I learn your grooves, your dimples, your lips with my kiss…

Yes, this is my wish as I shower away my sighs this morning, knowing my dream of love will only exist inside me, pent-up clenched tight, waiting for your light to do my dream right!

(I’m so lucky! Your voice through my day and reels at night help keep me going through the problems and pain as if you’re with me each day, except I barely say a thing.

For the first time since we met, I’m not afraid you’ll hate me or cut me off for something inappropriate I’ve said or might say some day. In my world, that’s more than progress, it’s truly established my trust. I struggle to hold onto people I love. Often it’s me who gets too scared to get hurt, so I run away and give up.

I’m trying to GROW UP.

Trust me, for the last 20 years, the wisdom in your music has helped me process my reality. Now, you really are a dream I NEED in me;)

I’ve been processing this feeling for a week and still don’t know how to say anything, lol.

I just keep reaching out to touch

An Ember to Remember

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It still burns.

An ember to remember

when beauty touched my world,

it’s all I have left of you,

but for pictures I caress.

Yet, it still burns.

An ember to remember

how you looked at me

and I felt the heat

build up a hunger inside,

as if you could read my mind.

And still it burns.

Even as I’m drowning,

spitting water as foam

engulfed in a bubble of darknight…

Even then, it glows.

You are an ember to remember,

in me burning with a glittering

that will shine for all time.

a tide coming in

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As you jog towards the ocean, feet flinging sand to tap the small of your back, secret skin exposed to the sun, then splashing through the foamy waves, you dive in where I take your hand…

You cradle me against your chest, sunset behind your head, crystal eyes gazing into mine, and as if you could read my mind, your wet lips slip salty kisses up my neck and along my jaw, then our lips part together welcoming a tide coming in with our tongues colliding…

(I keep seeing him do it again and again in my head so right now I can’t watch the video again, too dangerous. No, tonight I need to show how I can envision me fitting into his world for a beautiful moment, fulfilling my dream.

I stopped trying to deny I need help right now. Allowing myself to dream of him, despite the ‘never’ of it, invigorates me with power. I actually drove to four different places today that cause extreme anxiety, and even with having expired plates, the BMV felt sunny and happy!

I’ve felt like I’m living in the twilight zone for years and years and years, until color came back into my world because dreaming became not just powerful but possible.

It’s his face that gets me through my liminal space, and the wisdom of his voice brings sense and solace to a brain that so often gets lost in this mad world’s maze.

Liminal Space

I go to bed this way many a night. TV off, whole house dark, and finally a flicker, a tingle-spark, producing a pervading warmth from my bottom up with a swift burn of lust…and that’s when I go there…Instagram.

I only have to look at my own saved videos, and no one is the wiser.

He sings me to sleep for real, dreaming of gorgeous places and fun excursions (often writing or watching until I can’t see straight so that I can find some REM).

Dreams sit on the tip of my tongue by morning as I open my eyes at six, snores done he’s already on his phone or in the garage gone. Very little for me in the between.

I have his face as my saving grace:)

Falls

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Back here, realty in my eyes clear, I shove furniture out of the way, constantly sweeping all animal hair and dust, leaving none stray. There’s this cloud that follows me around, so I zip…then zag…swiping dirty surfaces with a rag, until…

BAM!

The Cloud

F

A

L

L

S

Overwhelmed, breath caught in my throat:

This is it!

It’s DONE.

My eyes close as I drop my broom, rushing one hand over my heart, the other to cover my mouth, salty drips off my nose drop between my breasts.

Caught in time, going nowhere as my crime.

No! I say NO.

Deliberate action.

No more passive reaction.

I’d rather be alone

than in this kind of marriage limbo.

I don’t know how or when, but a change is coming. Damn it, I’m sick to death of running.

I want the attention of a kind caress!

I need a furtive dive into a deep kiss, where roving hands finger passionate bliss!

I wonder sometimes why I can’t just believe that someday something will click and someone will notice I deserve more…dick

I needed it.

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I tried to own my alone, become someone powerful. I willed myself to move away from watching the movement of your face, from putting your voice in my ear at night late. Maybe I can change, make it by myself, sans my cake…

I tried to go to bed, but couldn’t catch my breath…

Oh no, no, no! So empty, so sad, the void left so big in my little world…I had to look.

I needed it. I needed to watch your eyes talking to me as you sing. I wanted to read your smile, so I opened the door by myself and my mind ate a feast! Honestly, I could never have expected such an endorphin release!!!

Tears fall upon my phone as you come so close to my face, your neck I want to taste, and I felt you enter me again and again bringing such elation, my cheeks redden with a firey warmth, and a moan couldn’t help but escaping, “Oh Love, all I want is a little taste, a little touch…”

I need you in a way that makes me wild, mad I can’t have what I want like a child.

I want to fall asleep with your face within my hands reach, you wanting me as your dream.

I don’t know what I’m doing, but I can’t help going back, watching you sing me to sleep, absorbing your lips moving, imagining you love me too.

Would you, could you try?

You help me through the darkest times. The beauty of your light in my life I don’t want to deny.

(I wish upon the falling stars that you know how special you really are;)

squeeze me…please

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I’ve been through a lot over the last three decades since I’ve been an adult. I moved umpteen times, but despite the states having different weather, I could never escape myself. I rode darkness like a wave through days as if all in me was OK. All-encompassing love became an unattainable dream, never to be reality. And I settled into my bed, and I satisfied myself…that was fine til I die, which, of course, will be coming soon, spinal cord injury makes old a body like mine, I think, God, how much longer can I survive?

You…then, you…your energy electrified my insides with passion not pain!

I find myself feeling things I CANNOT explain.

I want for something I know is not for someone like me.

For the first time, I know why I don’t feel complete.

The gulp that gets stuck in my throat, taking away my breath…the need to feel you, to have you squeeze me, drives me insane.

The crave almost hurts. I can’t turn you off, the feel of you so sweet, I keep hitting repeat…

First Time

I just gotta see it again

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Immediate impulse

Swelling with hot pervasion

sparkler-tingles juicing me up

in my center, I hold my breath

I just gotta see it again

Oh, I growl, a craven sound,

“I want to eat you now!”

My eyes close imagining

my lips planting a kiss

on the supple skin

of your left dancing hip…

Hand over my mouth

a bit of drool coming out,

for I stop myself slow

Immediate impulse

Licking the phone

(Sorry, I don’t know how to share the adorable clip picture thingy of riding a mechanical ‘bull’ but a hot corn dog! I shit you not, it got me in a funny way that I’m struggling to ignore with an “Oh! I love you!” Yelled out uncontrolled, lol…I crack myself up sometimes 😅)

Ok so here, this helps to calm me as my theme music when life becomes overwhelming (from an absolutely adored album & my music league entry for round of 7min or longer:)

Piano Concerto No. 1

But, of course this is followed by one of my favorite love songs of all-time…a dedication, if I may be romantic and bold

lend your love to me tonight

Funny how my brain works.

re-animate

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lost at sea, drowning…can’t breathe, sinking, the weight of life tethering my feet, my fate bleak

your anchor drops, deep dive, wrapping me in a blanket of light, elevating me, lifeless, from the bottom of the sea

blue and purple, on the deck of your rescue ship, in an instant, you know what to do, leaning, mouth prying

opening my airways, up-tilting my head, your lips cover mine, and you breathe…into me a new life

each lung-ful, a gust of wind, propelling momentum towards the true goal: learn to re-animate my SELF again

“HELP ME!” I cough out, and with love, I’m enveloped, warm safety caressing my skin, waiting for trusting to begin