With the momentum of being shot out of a cannon, I soared into the clouds, into the stars, hung onto the moon for a flip, a laughing dodo flying to fall when gravity threw me to splat on my ass in the same place as if I never left, a rock in my throat that makes me choke: I will never feel that high again.
self-psychology
Free Fall
The wandering mind requires discipline.
I focus on what’s in front of me, concentrating on family, which is functioning because of me. I’m happy…
Except
Empty
Exacerbated
A slight shiver of cold manifests a blizzard cloud of loss, tossing my body to a hypothermic mode.
I exhale…
I need something to breathe new life in me, for I’m failing to find free.
Away
Adventure
Alleviated
That’s why I love fantasy, I can create myself anything. I’m letting in the light and going for a drive to the water for sunset tonight.
A Note
Finger taps, gentle raps
tap — tap — tap
In a wait, heart aches
rap — rap — rap
Circles, thoughts pound
round — round — round
Intake, your new sound
Dear Muse: I eat your words, brain food that packs a punch, nourishment for life I need to get by, an inspiration encouraging motivation…Oh, the voice that calms the pain in my daily routine is priceless to me! I wish I could give something back.
Does love from someone you don’t know mean anything?
(The question cracks me up, honestly, sure he’d find it creepy, lol.
Here and now, I admit that controlling my inappropriate impulsivity is challenging, especially when it’s such lovely fun to escape. I’ve had an epiphany over the last few days as that insane crave grew into a monster, and I allowed myself to practice taking off my armor.
Naked and vulnerable, I hope to share unabashedly in the future because that’s how I find lately that I heal.)
mourning shadows
I don’t reside here. I’m just preparing. Where is my voice? Why can’t I speak? Why can’t I just be ok living this way? Empty. Despite how I try to fill my space with a positive state of mind, I feel like I’m here just to watch until I die.
I refuse that fucking life. I sware I’ll keep practicing and getting stronger and one day I’ll do it. I’ll stand up for myself and find the voice of my authentic self.
Until then…I’ll just keep incessantly cleaning, my only form of control in my upside-down world.
This struck my chord as I sniff sweet coffee steam, the storm beating down on me and the roof over my head, lightning behind my eyes, shocking my brain to the truth of why I can’t help but feel insane.
But, I’m a woman, and I will survive.
shadows of life
A break I take
to inhale a moment
of the sunny day,
greedy for some
comforting light
to take the chill
from the stark
of my darkness,
lashes butterflies
adjusting the bright
to shadows of life.
Unexpected
As I drove to help at my daughter’s work again, I realized I was singing, not staring absent or crying over a complex situation, no I felt like singing!
In an instant, fully cognizant of the difference in my temperament, I asked myself, Why? What’s different this morning from yesterday’s?
And I remembered how I fell asleep last night, relishing every frame of him singing until my eyes fell into my brain’s serenity (held within my phone’s screen).
Every day is the same for me.
I cherish his face, the way he moves his mouth…funniest thing ever is since I can remember, I had dreams of teeth, so not kidding, and the most hilarious part of yearning for this particular man is that I have literally had dreams about his mouth since childhood, lol!
How silly right!?! No one knows, it’s just a secret hidden deep in my heart without any point or purpose except to me. I swear, I couldn’t make this shit up.
I’m starting to have nightly panic attacks unfortunately. No one knows that either. I wonder why I cry, like letting out the pain of my hub killing hope will help me cope. What a joke.
I sware that other of mine is going to ruin G Love’s show for me (tried the first time I saw him in the Rockies, tried to ruin Billy Strings, and was a dick before (and I slept alone in the hotel room after) ALO too).
He makes the great in life taste…less sweet.
Tonight, right now, with love guiding my sail, I will eat another man’s sweet, and I do not feel guilty. I’ll protect my heart, keep doing it alone, talking to myself, touching myself with images of us that pop up hot…
A clandestine transgression of fulfillment, wishes washing my soul into an awakening, my wish every evening.
My days with him helping me through each end, then, begin like this…
Hiding Only to find a Wizard
I’ve been hiding. No one noticed. I went to bed way too early, no TV, no music, no beautiful video to lull me to a good night’s sleep. Two days, only me, watching in my head, an emptiness, a hole growing like “The NOTHING” with me needing belief in the creative, golden light to make everything alright.
Now, I’m scared to touch that fire in me again would be dangerous…
I don’t have unrealistic expectations, but unreachable dreams that obviously could never be stroked, will never be embraced, a kiss never to be placed upon the lips I see at night in my sleep.
As I lie in bed, waiting for nothing to happen, I pretend he’s facing me, and I can study his eyes, trace every inch of his face, tell him about my day:
Like he’d care a beautiful ten year old girl at the special needs camp had trouble with sudden outbursts of anger and frustration, however, I happened to hear her say, “…and the wizard told the girl…”
I said, “I love wizards! Is that what you’re drawing?”
She told a few lines of her story, then went about talking to herself again, but calmer. Only he could see how cool this moment was for me.
I broke through with the toughest kid in camp because I met a wizard who truly does do magic.
How can anyone compare to how such a simple thing can make my heart remember how to with beat warmth, even on one the coldest of summer’s nights.
a vow to myself
Wits stay, blues away,
find comfort in your skin,
love what’s within,
remembering the wise advice:
you can’t control what others do,
but you can control you,
so when fire burns
beneath your throat,
and darkness begins bubbling up,
take a breath, close your eyes,
find your happy place…
then, do it twice.
Demons
The truth is moonlight sprinkling a vast forest floor, not right or righteous, always on guard, like demons at night, relishing the dark dreamscape, more real in its skew than a day’s reality feels. Whilst I sleep, I reach and reach to pet the demons, train them to behave, teach my shadows to dance with my demons in a promenade.
(I take him to bed with me, it’s true, I start my dream in a visual…beautiful. I still choose to sleep with my fantasy because my dream makes me happy. Some day maybe, just maybe I’ll get a piece of a real cake…OH, how I’d devour something sweet, lol;)
Patterns
Rigid patterns
Frigid heart
(Shuts out sparks,
Nothing stays)
Rainbow bright
–Out damn night–
Dreams fill days
More, I crave
Mourning up
I splat down
Long fingers
Linger latent
Extend strength
Aide my angst
Defend my fate
A wise prophet
A proffering
I inhale deep
In you seep…
You saving me
(A soul so cold
died long ago,
Back to life
Every night)
I see G Love in Kalamazoo, MI in August. (Got to meet him a 4th of July like 10 years ago, so sweet, have a blurry picture, lol). Wish you were there.
Hopelessly Inappropriate Thoughts 