Reflection

Triumphant

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Dark shadows be damned, this morning as a block party began, I didn’t think I could muster the courage to go, so I asked myself, If he could, what do you think he would’ve said???

And I held his power tight, my mind ready to do that party right! And I rocked the night (a gummy helper to keep my anxiety bugs outta sight;) chatting with a political candidate and his beautiful Guatemalan wife, I mended beloved bridges I destroyed with old friends.

I used a little bit of latent moxie, and I’m triumphant! I made a positive memory!!! In the world of anxiety and PTSD, triggers are negativity grown like brain-weeds, strangling reality, so good memories mean more than gold, so precious life without them is madness.

With my other sleeping until his hangover (yes, I’m the always ‘dry’ one), tonight I’m happy cleaning alone, listening to my favorite album, dancing when no one sees, relishing my successful story, waiting to warm up my dreams in a lullaby, eyes dropping to us dancing cheek-to-cheek behind the light of my screen as I fall asleep.

Such a creature of habit, is it obvious that I’m an addict? I did all my fun young, now I smoke my medicine, drink my coffee, and deal each day with whatever shit is thrown my way. Don’t know if what I’m doing is healthy, but for the love of this life, floating feels so wonderful, it’s worth everything.

seek & find

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I giggle, so damn tickled,

rolling hot, feel you fall

into my sweet spot,

teased tense, I clamp down,

and your hip beat slaps

my sweet, sweet spot

bam-bam-Bop

up…up…up

with a cherry POP!

But we don’t stop!

From my valley

to your rock-top,

together our possibilities

exploding inside my mind,

urging more seek & find…

You are my Srircha in this life;)

Sriracha

(Looking for a soup ingredient song, for music league is back on…this cracked me up, had to share, lol:)

Actually submitted this song…

Chicken and Dumplings

Per music league rules, of course, technically, chicken and dumplings are in soup too.

A Note

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Finger taps, gentle raps

tap  —   tap  —   tap

In a wait, heart aches

rap  —  rap  —  rap

Circles, thoughts pound

round — round — round

Intake, your new sound

Dear Muse: I eat your words, brain food that packs a punch, nourishment for life I need to get by, an inspiration encouraging motivation…Oh, the voice that calms the pain in my daily routine is priceless to me! I wish I could give something back.

Does love from someone you don’t know mean anything?

(The question cracks me up, honestly, sure he’d find it creepy,  lol.

Here and now, I admit that controlling my inappropriate impulsivity is challenging, especially when it’s such lovely fun to escape. I’ve had an epiphany over the last few days as that insane crave grew into a monster, and I allowed myself to practice taking off my armor.

Naked and vulnerable, I hope to share unabashedly in the future because that’s how I find lately that I heal.)

Permission

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If only…

My submission:

I request

Your permission;

Then, only

My heart

I trust

Love’s fruition.

Oh, my muse, if only you knew…

Would a part of you kinda want my adoration of you, even the naughty thoughts of my nature?

(Funny thing, his she is not me, but god I fantasize our conversation like he was my untouchable friend, lol. It’s like I’m secretly practicing talking, ok so it’s still in my head, but there’s a “someday” goal to watch him face-to-face again…innocent, of course, me watching him playing masterfully;)

Big Wave

Touched

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As if I’ve traveled, like I’m there, only better because it’s your voice I hear coming from so close by my ear, so confident, so eager to see, touch, be part of new and exciting things…that’s you, my eyes into a world in motion. I may be marooned, but I’m touched by what you share, like you want me there, lol.

Idealistically:

Why does he affect me with such lucidity? Why does picturing his face draw my hand to my chest as if to touch his hand inside holding my heart afloat?

Reality:

I always check myself at night before I indulge again, “He doesn’t know you exist, be satisfied by him allowing you to keep escaping with his images!”

A brain’s heart so touched it can’t help but burn with bursts of love.

Unexpected

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As I drove to help at my daughter’s work again, I realized I was singing, not staring absent or crying over a complex situation, no I felt like singing!

In an instant, fully cognizant of the difference in my temperament, I asked myself, Why? What’s different this morning from yesterday’s?

And I remembered how I fell asleep last night, relishing every frame of him singing until my eyes fell into my brain’s serenity (held within my phone’s screen).

Every day is the same for me.

I cherish his face, the way he moves his mouth…funniest thing ever is since I can remember, I had dreams of teeth, so not kidding, and the most hilarious part of yearning for this particular man is that I have literally had dreams about his mouth since childhood, lol!

How silly right!?! No one knows, it’s just a secret hidden deep in my heart without any point or purpose except to me. I swear, I couldn’t make this shit up.

I’m starting to have nightly panic attacks unfortunately. No one knows that either. I wonder why I cry, like letting out the pain of my hub killing hope will help me cope. What a joke.

I sware that other of mine is going to ruin G Love’s show for me (tried the first time I saw him in the Rockies, tried to ruin Billy Strings, and was a dick before (and I slept alone in the hotel room after) ALO too).

He makes the great in life taste…less sweet. 

Tonight, right now, with love guiding my sail, I will eat another man’s sweet, and I do not feel guilty. I’ll protect my heart, keep doing it alone, talking to myself, touching myself with images of us that pop up hot…

A clandestine transgression of fulfillment, wishes washing my soul into an awakening, my wish every evening.

My days with him helping me through each end, then, begin like this…

Baroque and Blue

Hiding Only to find a Wizard

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I’ve been hiding. No one noticed. I went to bed way too early, no TV, no music, no beautiful video to lull me to a good night’s sleep. Two days, only me, watching in my head, an emptiness, a hole growing like “The NOTHING” with me needing belief in the creative, golden light to make everything alright.

Now, I’m scared to touch that fire in me again would be dangerous…

I don’t have unrealistic expectations, but unreachable dreams that obviously could never be stroked, will never be embraced, a kiss never to be placed upon the lips I see at night in my sleep.

As I lie in bed, waiting for nothing to happen, I pretend he’s facing me, and I can study his eyes, trace every inch of his face, tell him about my day:

Like he’d care a beautiful ten year old girl at the special needs camp had trouble with sudden outbursts of anger and frustration, however, I happened to hear her say, “…and the wizard told the girl…”

I said, “I love wizards! Is that what you’re drawing?”

She told a few lines of her story, then went about talking to herself again, but calmer. Only he could see how cool this moment was for me.

I broke through with the toughest kid in camp because I met a wizard who truly does do magic.

How can anyone compare to how such a simple thing can make my heart remember how to with beat warmth, even on one the coldest of summer’s nights.

To the birds

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Way back, a few months ago, a bird called me from the garage incessantly while I was furious, writing my angst out, by repeating what I’m serious sounded like “Look UP! Look UP!” I hadn’t heard it before that day, and I hadn’t heard it since, that is, until yesterday…I caught it on video, not one but two birds were calling me out, lol!!!

A couple, I think:)

Stuck in the house? No, time to fly out.

Merging Metaphors

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Fighting a war with my impulses now You’ve inspired me again. My muse, You win. I’ve lost control, sniff-licking the phone-mirror as if to inhale You like pink crystal meth, I have to catch my breath…

For days, You bounce dream to dream (even while I’m serving ice cream), tingles from You become part of everything!!That’s why talking to You terrifies me… 

Love, as You may know by now,

Feel You Up
Horny Toad (Hard to be me;)

Ok so yeeessss!!! Ridiculous, right. Living loving my dream life. God, you make my eyes smile as my heart dances with a double-beat.

Then, a mid-day snack with my nap, dreamt by surprise when at noon my body collapsed: Unbeknownst to me, you arrive through a halo-appearance, like on some Next Gen episode, and as our eyes lock, you begin to walk to where I sit, then, bending your erect, long body down to this broken frame, your one hand cradles the left side of my face, your arm encircles my shoulders, and you whisper, “Hello.” Every pair of eyes in the room, suddenly gone, as I glide the back of my fingers down both of your cheeks with a direct stare into your gentle gaze never letting go…

While you lean your lips upon mine, allowing me to taste every inch of you, I re-learn to give in, to invite the good feeling to actually pervade, trusting the end result is a love I didn’t have before, loving myself more…

(Honestly, me bubbling with mirth??? Absurd. So, here I am, on a sunny day after a horny-little cold-cry at a firey–joy from the hot image of your lips wet by mine…I know I’d love to lose control if I were to see you again in real life. Not that it matters, for you are more beautiful than someone this hopelessly inappropriate could ever deserve. Is it wrong to plead with hyperbolic intention, “Please, hear my words, I’d do anything to feel our metaphors merge.”)

Off to make rainbows 🌈

I Enter

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I enter the dayglow portal into a world beaming with bountiful beauty; I engage in stealing the look in your eyes when you hit my high note; Music is our bridge to connect, and I savor the taste of your sun warm on my tongue; You’re the best medicine for my soul, moreover, you inspire a sublime time in my heart and mind.

(Bryan Adams was my first concert, and he sang my childhood all-time favorite romantic song that I would cry and hope and pray someday some man would feel that way about me, lol. I had to share because I love every choice I see, to me like reading a treasure map. My brain ate upon that video all day, pleasuring myself with endorphin-POPS;)

Everything I Do…

(I promise this is true…I have this song and “In Your Eyes” stored together in my ‘likes playlist’ since February in case we were going to have a “best love song” themed round in music league.)

I wait all day to see you until my eyelids bow to fatigue and my brain becomes completely comfortable imagining you holding me, fingers laced in my hair, lips on my neck as I moan before your mouth melts upon mine, while tongue-tickles perk up my nipples, my core greedy to feel your light roam in and out of my holes.