No more blame. No shame. I’m done trying to engage with my husband. My voice is gone, or is it I’m done trying to speak when no one’s listening? Doesn’t matter, means the same thing.

I thought I dropped my mask ages ago, but really I don’t know my own face I’ve hid it so long. So many years of not looking into a mirror, disgusted with who I am, because I can’t leave despite us being so obviously unhappy. I replaced my genuine smile with a half-assed, goofy grin.

Today, LITERALLY, I left.

Came back.

Asked him if he thinks he wants to separate…

“No.”

And, here I am again…me by myself, him in the garage.

Too fucking dizzy from spinning in circles.

What I would do to feel desired! Trust me, deep in me there’s a fire!

Why can’t I get it up at home?

He’s said so many mean things whrn he touches me I sware my blood runs cold.

Sometimes at night, I wake up scared that this is how I’ll end, like finally done, I’ll stop breathing without ever experiencing passion again, and aloud I cry out, “No!”

I can’t say how to effectuate change in my life, but I’m done. I’ve tried every idea to save the good, but it just turns bad. I don’t know how he doesn’t just leave my ass?

I’m so fucking tired of this…

roommate-situation-marriage-WTFN

For tonight, I give up thinking.