Your fingers dance with me in my dreams, patterns of pleasure with every twist, every bend
A finger removes a lock of hair pinned to my cheek before you bow down to kiss me deep
I take your hand in mine, my lips carress each digit, opening a nip to envelop every tip
After having your hand hold mine, I want to go back in time, or meet me, come in my door
It’s in me. I know it is because my subconscious keeps showing me. The sizzle of the chicken on the stove, open eyes wake-dream your eyes guiding your lips to land on the skin just below my ear, with a kiss grazing my neck, you whisper, “I’m here…” And while savoring that sizzle, oil pops out to smear my glasses, you know, fate reminding me of my reality with a fizzle.
I don’t write sex anymore because obviously I won’t ever get what I wish. Recently, he killed my artist endeavors on Instagram too (made fun of me for a few too many things).
Despite all that baggage bullshit, sexy images popping up in me tickled me pink all day long…
It’s the most wonderful thing! It’s in me! Passion, lust, desire, wild-fun love are in me still!
I want to be seduced and seduce my muse!
I now know what I’ve spent my life looking for: someone who inspires me.
I also know what I cannot abide: being belittled and sexless for the rest of my short life.
(I started volunteering at a summer camp for kids with disabilities where my daughter is teaching art and STEM. Good distraction:)
So dangerous to me…a beautiful fear. Watching you sing, so titilating. I can’t get enough, so I tried to cut myself off. I refused for a day to indulge…
No!
I tell myself, trying to be good, wondering what you’d let me do if only I could.
And that’s what gets me into trouble. I’m new to seeing someone so lovely, so close that I get confused, hot emotions wild, imagining you’re singing to me “under the covers” when my mouth meets yours, and that beautiful fear disappears as I inhale you while you’re near.
I have decided to begin challenging my anxiety, push my triggers and explore how to see and do more…
Today, I did it.
I’m practicing leaving my house by myself. I must conquer my fears and vanquish the lack of confidence that have kept me trapped…
Idependence achieved! I went with a girlfriend to Michigan for the first time (with no family) in seven years. Baby steps, but it’s a start.
A goal: To find you, love, some day, some how.
You make up my bucket list truth be told.
When I’m grounded, an adult unable to control my world, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you. Funny, I pretend you’re seeing me, when really I have no idea.
My heart has already jumped on your ride, and you’re so powerful, you blow my mind!
In fact, like butterscotch pudding thick and sweet tongue-scooped to fill my mouth, eyes closed…the swallow…pleasure seeping into my body, that’s what you did to me today.
Oh…My!
Everyone asleep, I crave another peek, so off to the garage I sneak for another moment between you and me.
I wish I could give you even a sliver of the overwhelming pleasure, gratitude I feel when I see you. You cradle me when I want to crawl out of my skin, when I want to disappear, you help me find calm. I may just be talking to myself, but while I take you in, for a moment, I’m free, I’m wanted, I’ve got you to hold. A moment does my blues a wave of good, and I get to repeat that feeling while I sleep, finally able to touch you again.
Oh my, what a silly woman am I!
It’s unacceptable. I know. Silly, for sure. I have to purge before midnight, or sleepless I’ll be. So, here’s my unbelievable moment of honesty, with which I show the fool hidden deep.
I miss a video, well not exactly…how can I explain???
Funny how a song can not only bring back things unsettling, but also give a new beginning with a joyful memory.
His video, his voice, his smile, each creative choice did that for me.
No one knows that when I was about ten, I performed a dance routine during a basketball game half time show to “Dancing in the Streets.”
In dance and gymnastics from four to fourteen (when I had a car accident spinal cord injury), nostalgia when I hear certain songs can be unexpected. Well, every part of him singing was touching, and welling emotions made my skin prickly hot when he smiled, especially as he belted a beautiful “Chicago”.
A yearn began to dance about, urging my lungs to expell a belly laugh, honestly, like nothing I’ve ever felt, for tears too dripped onto my phone.
My brain wouldn’t let it go, so I had to figure out if I could find it again. Then, I searched…results:
Gone.
That was last night. All day, knowing it doesn’t matter that it matters to me, knowing it’s something I’ll never again see, breaks my heart repeatedly.
Lost, my confidence whipped raw, I think I’ll take a break from social media. I didn’t used to be so emotional!
I think it’s true…you stay the same age as your greatest traumatic event. For me that makes sense, I still act like a horny teenager, head up my ass.
My excuse is so simple: I want to feel good.
In my life, I’m only misunderstood.
(I put back up a bunch of old stuff, why not, right? If only I didn’t try to hide parts of my writing…)
I howl
Balance
OFF
I howl
Control
LOST
I howl
Instinct
HOT
I bend
Inhibitions
OVER
I bend
Positioned
OPEN
I howl
Desire
FUELED
FUCKED.
Full steam
A-
Head
Sucking
Marrow
Out of it
Licking
As food
For life.
A moment, the best of my life, you touched me, and I got to touch you! The cloud from last night with you singing in front of me embraces my brain hot after the long night of revelry…
(as if you felt my hand secretly reaching to carress your beautiful face, kiss your lips in thanks, when fate trapped you in my space)
Time stopped to record that moment whilst before you, I found myself tongue-tied, in awe…
Your words, your beat came into my body physically, with insane energy, turning me from old to young, HUNGRY for more of your wordsmith tongue!
An idol in my mind, your voice, your personality pierced my heart, Love…
I’m so awkward, I just wish I would’ve been able to talk, that’s the funny part.
Wow! My god, YOU FUCKING ROCK!!!
(My cloud crash is worth your weight in gold, for in a moment I’ll treasure forever, you gave me your hand to hold;)
I know I’m alone in the day after yearn, but HOT DAMN I’m enamored!
I don’t have to look to see, a perfect picture memory. Each reel turns up bright any time I close my eyes, runs as black and white shadows exposing my favorite plays, endearing expressions, rogue games of intellectual fun, silliness so sweet, I eat it up, starving for more treats, and centered deep as if tickled in a yet to be discovered part, I giggle with innocent elation for the shining star of my dreams, a musical angel who comforts me, teaching transcending pain to bloom a new beginning.
Oh, to share your air…to physically feel the energy flow from your fingers, from you lips, to observe your personality dance again…oh me, oh my, what a silly romantic am I!!!
I know better, no way, but I embrace the dream at midnight as I fall asleep;)
You always stand up tall, even while just leaning against the wall, ready when the moment calls to do nothing but help when the shit hits the wall, and never wasting precious energy distracted by fun or shiny things. To you, diligence working is satisfying.
Away with spiders and webs!
Brush up dander and dust.
Be GONE bugs, food, death!
Your destruction is the purpose.
No more crying over mucky shadows stuck tile after tile. The broom preps the surface smooth until I steam the ugly beautiful. I don’t know what I’d do without you…❤️
The day sets orange and pink, clouds spread into fairy wings. Alone I observe, writing on glass and stone.
I’ve held back the urge, held it in, knowing full well, it’s growing BIGGER trapped silent inside. My muscles twitch with want, the burden of control taunts a defiant part of my soul to break the chains keeping me stuck still.
The time has come, the urge a balloon that’s ready to POP out of my mouth, and I open wide, “Magic carpet, take me for a ride.”
As if a wizard from a far off land hears my heart’s yelp for help, there, suddenly, out of thin air, a woven carpet did appear!
With an irredecent wave, cyan threads shimmer gold glitters about a puffy cushion that’s calling for a friend.
A corner tassel bundle shakes a toss to say, Come here…
But, I never had to move. I floated right out of my seat across the way to a gentle splat in the middle of the mat.
“Oh, my golly gee!” I giggle, “What a treat! I wonder who I’ll meet?”
No fly-zone necessary for my magic carpet ride, jumping through time and space, I landed right by your side!
After the rush of being alone settles in your room, while you’re still shining bright from your night, feel the shades of my shadow begin come alive.
Did you feel my shadow shamelessly sitting on your lap like a cat.
This is where I will sleep tonight, with your hands on my mind…
(I find moments in my day where I’m lost in an image like when your fingers stroke all the right notes, the key-master unlocking the passion in my heart that I forgot.)
Hopelessly Inappropriate Thoughts 