inspiration

Bars

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A heart walled in by bars staked down to my gut and piercing me when I talk…that’s what my pain has done with time. A full-time job to upkeep, but only sleep solicits a sense of lovely peace from a brain that hates, a load of loathe that I can’t escape.

I want to be different. I want to embrace glowing! I swallow hard that feeling.

I’m always trying to find a way out…out of my brain, out of my house, out of my marriage, out…out…out DAMN spot! Out past demons that retain too much control! I rule my life!

Humble

And I dream LOVE!

So Much Love

Hoping you don’t feel as lost as I do.

Wishing you all love in your world!

inspiration for more

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Instead of a jaw clench, I twist and bite my bottom lip. No more downturned scowl! I have a cheesy, pink-cheeked grin now. Lungs suffocating to finally breathing even when life’s challenging, that’s what you’ve given to me.

What you may not know is that I have a light behind my lids where you walk in the door, and you look into my eyes when I touch your skin…a moment that strengths my soul, inspiration for more.

I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t know if it actually means anything to you, but you make my eyes smile so tight with pleasure that the corners become wet.

I wish I could tell you tonight that I dream of running my hand over your skin, learning you as you feel my hand move, a game in which we both win…

Oh my fantasy, that’s what you do to me. I want someone I can’t have, but who drives me crazy.

April (…continued)

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The giant day gecko, exuding a firey aura of colors, stood perched on a rock beside April, who lifted herself out from the pond of passion back onto the solid ground, when he began gesticulating with a shuffle dance, singing, “Yes…yes…the time has come. Yes! The time is now. Climb! CLIMB! Climb to the other side, you have a key to find, you’ll see, you’ll see, follow me!”

Curiosity of a cat,  April looked up, eyes glowing in the thicket shadows, “Oh, an adventure! I’m ready for anything!” Listless, unsatisfied and so very bored just wasting time, why not search for something sublime?

“Yes, yes, up, up we must go, up and over to the other side of the wall. Help me, please, help me find the golden key!” Bowing with cane and top-hat excitedly flailing circles, infusing April with a giddy energy.

“Why of course, I will, certainly!” And at that, April laced her fingers high into the vines that protruded in layers out from the brick wall, with no fear of some snake bite, no! Instead, she began pushing the soles of her feet to propell her rise from ground to sky.

Darkness loomed from above, punctuated by a far off thunderous BOOM as April’s eyes creeped with a pop up over the top, whether naught or some sinister plot, she knew not…Regardless, she climbed over straddling its width, then tossing herself to fall off for a loooong drooooppp.

There was no wonder to April. She closed her eyes and chuckled as if tickled by a cat nuzzling her neck, arms in an ‘X’ on her chest, hugging herself the whole way down, laughing loud, enjoying the journey of creative momentum in the dark falling in wait of a lantern to illuminate her fate.

Triumphant

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Dark shadows be damned, this morning as a block party began, I didn’t think I could muster the courage to go, so I asked myself, If he could, what do you think he would’ve said???

And I held his power tight, my mind ready to do that party right! And I rocked the night (a gummy helper to keep my anxiety bugs outta sight;) chatting with a political candidate and his beautiful Guatemalan wife, I mended beloved bridges I destroyed with old friends.

I used a little bit of latent moxie, and I’m triumphant! I made a positive memory!!! In the world of anxiety and PTSD, triggers are negativity grown like brain-weeds, strangling reality, so good memories mean more than gold, so precious that life without them is madness.

With my other sleeping until his hangover, tonight I’m happy cleaning alone, listening to my favorite album, dancing when no one sees, relishing my tiny success story, waiting to warm up my dreams with a lullaby, eyes dropping to us dancing cheek-to-cheek as I fall asleep.

Big D Day

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Twenty years ago, for almost ten, when anxiety got the best of me, his presence brought a sense of safety, security that he’d never leave me. Time made jade a dark daily demeanor with an insipid tone and harsh evaluation of every word I say, every single thing I do. A decade of me feeing dead (except for my kids), ten years of “fuck hope” because Netflix limited series lineup got me fine with laying alone in bed, ten fucking years of ugly I carried inside, wondering, Am I really here? Am I breathing?

Upon a Transcendental moment, the light beamed so bright, it flowed from my eyes changing my sight.

Now, I own a power I don’t understand yet, a perspective differing from my own…

YES, outside the one he’s been able to control.

I’m empowered to take on his many ‘big dick days’ with something beautiful instead of hating myself for being myself, which obviously is someone he doesn’t like.

I want to be fair, but after 20 years, I experienced it all many, many times before, nothing is new. Even though his physical body is here every day after work, he does not participate, with the exception of the occasional short moments of loving on the kids.

I’m a burden, but expected to be warm.

Days like this, I’m glad I have my blog because he really hurt me today and I just want to run away.

I found a moment of magic along the sunset walk with my son. While he played, I watched as the lyrics singing in my brain  bloomed a rose on a mushroom head.

“Inside the Heart a Hidden Language”
Undiscovered County

“Inside the heart a book of matches.”

(Gratitude streams flow through my soul for the wizard who helped me find my own life-light out of the deadest darkness. I’m stronger.)

Trying to erase this doesn’t ease the pain of what is next, so I am putting it back up as a reminder that I do have fucking strength if I’d just allow myself to speak…

I wish I could handle conflict instead of literally hiding from it in my closet pretending to organize the chaos I’m in. No one knows, no one sees the battle raging in me.

A Note

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Finger taps, gentle raps

tap  —   tap  —   tap

In a wait, heart aches

rap  —  rap  —  rap

Circles, thoughts pound

round — round — round

Intake, your new sound

Dear Muse: I eat your words, brain food that packs a punch, nourishment for life I need to get by, an inspiration encouraging motivation…Oh, the voice that calms the pain in my daily routine is priceless to me! I wish I could give something back.

Does love from someone you don’t know mean anything?

(The question cracks me up, honestly, sure he’d find it creepy,  lol.

Here and now, I admit that controlling my inappropriate impulsivity is challenging, especially when it’s such lovely fun to escape. I’ve had an epiphany over the last few days as that insane crave grew into a monster, and I allowed myself to practice taking off my armor.

Naked and vulnerable, I hope to share unabashedly in the future because that’s how I find lately that I heal.)

Hiding Only to find a Wizard

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I’ve been hiding. No one noticed. I went to bed way too early, no TV, no music, no beautiful video to lull me to a good night’s sleep. Two days, only me, watching in my head, an emptiness, a hole growing like “The NOTHING” with me needing belief in the creative, golden light to make everything alright.

Now, I’m scared to touch that fire in me again would be dangerous…

I don’t have unrealistic expectations, but unreachable dreams that obviously could never be stroked, will never be embraced, a kiss never to be placed upon the lips I see at night in my sleep.

As I lie in bed, waiting for nothing to happen, I pretend he’s facing me, and I can study his eyes, trace every inch of his face, tell him about my day:

Like he’d care a beautiful ten year old girl at the special needs camp had trouble with sudden outbursts of anger and frustration, however, I happened to hear her say, “…and the wizard told the girl…”

I said, “I love wizards! Is that what you’re drawing?”

She told a few lines of her story, then went about talking to herself again, but calmer. Only he could see how cool this moment was for me.

I broke through with the toughest kid in camp because I met a wizard who truly does do magic.

How can anyone compare to how such a simple thing can make my heart remember how to with beat warmth, even on one the coldest of summer’s nights.

To the birds

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Way back, a few months ago, a bird called me from the garage incessantly while I was furious, writing my angst out, by repeating what I’m serious sounded like “Look UP! Look UP!” I hadn’t heard it before that day, and I hadn’t heard it since, that is, until yesterday…I caught it on video, not one but two birds were calling me out, lol!!!

A couple, I think:)

Stuck in the house? No, time to fly out.

Patterns

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Rigid patterns

Frigid heart

(Shuts out sparks,

Nothing stays)

Rainbow bright

–Out damn night–

Dreams fill days

More, I crave

Mourning up

I splat down

Long fingers

Linger latent

Extend strength

Aide my angst

Defend my fate

A wise prophet

A proffering

I inhale deep

In you seep…

You saving me

(A soul so cold

died long ago,

Back to life

Every night)

Legacy

I see G Love in Kalamazoo, MI in August. (Got to meet him a 4th of July like 10 years ago, so sweet, have a blurry picture, lol). Wish you were there.

beautiful fear

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So dangerous to me…a beautiful fear. Watching you sing, so titilating. I can’t get enough, so I tried to cut myself off. I refused for a day to indulge…

No!

I tell myself, trying to be good, wondering what you’d let me do if only I could.

And that’s what gets me into trouble. I’m new to seeing someone so lovely, so close that I get confused, hot emotions wild, imagining you’re singing to me “under the covers” when my mouth meets yours, and that beautiful fear disappears as I inhale you while you’re near.

I have decided to begin challenging my anxiety, push my triggers and explore how to see and do more…

Today, I did it.

I’m practicing leaving my house by myself. I must conquer my fears and vanquish the lack of confidence that have kept me trapped…

Idependence achieved! I went with a girlfriend to Michigan for the first time (with no family) in seven years. Baby steps, but it’s a start.

A goal: To find you, love, some day, some how.

You make up my bucket list truth be told.

When I’m grounded, an adult unable to control my world, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you. Funny, I pretend you’re seeing me, when really I have no idea if we’ll ever see each other again.

My heart has already jumped on your ride, and you’re so powerful, you blow my mind!

In fact, like butterscotch pudding thick and sweet tongue-scooped to fill my mouth, eyes closed…the swallow…pleasure seeping into my body, that’s what you did to me today.

Oh…My!

Everyone asleep, I crave another peek, so off to the garage I sneak for another moment between you and me.

I wish I could give you even a sliver of the overwhelming pleasure, gratitude I feel when I see you. You cradle me when I want to crawl out of my skin, when I want to disappear, you help me find calm. I may just be talking to myself, but while I take you in, for a moment, I’m free, I’m wanted, I’ve got you to hold. A moment does my blues a wave of good, and I get to repeat that feeling while I sleep, finally able to touch you again.

Oh my, what a silly woman am I!