anxiety

truth hurts

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In my brain, it’s easy to escape into a creative day dream, in which I’m pampered with romance, interesting, and sexy, knowing how to speak perfectly.

Life isn’t that sweet.

In my world, as I lie in bed, mind bending towards the light of new giddiness, smoke rings of DOUBT cloud my focus.

I snap at myself, Eyes stare straight! Find the sun’s reflection!

I close my eyes, unlock the GLOW…

Stunning illumination ignights an avid hunger to reach out, touch the sun simply to feel again, to BURN.

But, I would never have the courage.

Unkind shadows have kept me trapped in a dark bed for decades as smoke-ropes ring around my heart, hands, and neck, choking and eating my self-esteem, reminding me how bad the smoke makes me feel.

I guess I don’t allow myself to glow for long, feels so good I have to make it wrong, can’t help my passion’s hella strong. But, it’s true too…it’ll be alright soon.

It’s gonna be…

Snap

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I loathe when I’m hurt. I revert to a machine, doing and smiling, like everything is hunky-dory. I feign being there. Crying inside my mind, I wonder, why try?

Weeks of negativity, picking on what I say or how I speak, how I look or how I think, irritation no matter what I do…damned if I speak, damned if I’m too quiet, damned is how I feel.

SNAP

My fingers kiss-smack my magic back! 

No one but ME can let someone else tell me what to believe about myself.

Grounded

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GROUNDED! I am. Hope is like magic to me. In a hopeful magic-mirror, I see a side of me that’s happy, electrified with new prospects of fun, giddy to grind with lust on my mind.      

BUT      Magic isn’t real. It’s a con.

When my brain gets too excited, it girgles naughty thoughts, and it tricks me into creating a story I want to hear, a fairy tale.     

About my days, I go slow, eyes looking up, thinking in pictures of…  

what if I found a connection

with a passionate friend, who tickles my fancy, OH yes, a muse for my fantasies…     

Every look, every touch elevates your love…that’s how I wish you’d feel about me, addicted like I’m your very favorite thing.  

Melancholy madness, knowing my truth. No magic can make me hope something will change. I’m doomed to accept my lustless fate, so I guess I’ll just go back to sleep.         

YET         

(I tell you true, this is happening right now!!!)

A yellow finch just now called my attention from my red pen bleeding onto my notebook paper.

Wheels turning I had to ponder, What is this bird saying?

He just keeps singing louder and louder, then I spot him high on a flexible limb, a cloud white floating as his backdrop:

“STOP! LOOK UP!”

He sang so lovely, not at all like the other birds, a voice and rhythm all his own.

Then, a sparrow chimes, “Just live…and be…love life…reality!”

As if stung by the sun, my eyes close, the pain in my neck feels like a knife in the muscle just turned, so a frown pulling my chin down, I wheel back into the cold darkness of the garage and close the door with a wrist-flip, twisting the deadbolt locked.

Enveloped by darkness, I see the remnants of that circle of light and I blink a quick-

CLICK!

Like a photograph, within my mind, I snap-shot this moment in real time where the moon eclipses the sun making me feel warm, less alone.

(I hope you never doubt your worth! I long to show you how much I need you in my life, or I swear I wouldn’t have been able to hang in this long:)

Come, Get Away

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Which are you fight or flight? Sometimes, like tonight, when I need to fly away, I’m kinda glad my legs don’t work, I don’t run, no, I go to bed. Hopelessly Inappropriate my proclivity persists, and I escape with you for a bit.

Colorado had tons opportunity for me to participate in adaptive sports while I lived in Littleton. I rock climbed mountains, I hand-cycled hills and valleys, kayaked ponds, and sailed a sailboat. I wrote this poem as I learned to sail around 2016 (the last time I tried to run away, in love with the dream that love should include passion, dying to make a connection).

Re-Wind Me, My Captain

Flying your vessel

With a siren’s wail,

I am the only way

To steer my course,

For you, my Captain

Leapt for the sea

Leeward without me.

 

I know nothing, alone

In the no-go zone…

 

But re-wind me

With a bellow, Captain,

I’ll come back to you

About the next puff,

 

For with you I’d sail

Every sunset of time

Even in waters rough.

 

 In music league the challenge this round was to find a song about getting away by some mode of transportation (planes, trains, automobiles or other ways to get out of Dodge;) This is what I went with, a I mean it, lol!!!

Come Sail Away With Me!

Thanks for listening! Wishing you hopeful thoughts:)

Just a Poke

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Just a poke! Poke a head Just once…maybe twice.

Never before has it come with such powerful stimulation, turning my virtue into vice.

I inhale my Gorilla Fuck (strongest strain for the brain) take it all in…

A giddy girl again, preying on a man, I make him do whatever I want him to. And willing, he’d never want to leave, happy servicing me for an eternity.

In return, I’d fulfill his every need, and make his wildest dreams come true. I gorge on the ‘how’ as I sleep.

Upon waking, my reality redressed, I ponder why I find this so fucking funny a bubble POPS in my tummy!?!?

Face It

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Cracked glass clouded by steam,

the reflection skewed reality,

my face distorted, monstrous!

That’s why I cover mirrors.

Sometimes, someone sees me,

wheels making me too obvious,

and I ponder what they think…

“You’re so strong!” One exclaimed.

Muscles atrophied to skin ‘n’ bone

long ago, weakness whittled

from could to should to won’t

with my soul my gut’s blackhole

sucking up good, bad ‘n’ all…

It’s not the wrinkles or dark spots

aging looks back and takes stock:

Who were you? Who’ve you become?

Does your soul just need a hug?

LEARN TO GIVE YOURSELF LOVE ❤️

as I hit ground

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Blinds block out what I can’t presently handle (my world small, PTSD producing morning shadows of past things DONE, dancing distructively on my walls).

SOOOO, daily I shout other people’s lyrics to not freak out, distract myself from a lack of stimulation my brain and body CRAVE, nay…NEED!

Pushing wheels round 20 years, one band, one voice (above-beyond all else) pulled me out of every funk, and this band recently came near my town!

No longer ready for an end…I opened a window, flung myself out, and I FLEW to see them play and sat in awe, observing the voices from their mouths make wild waves, travel from my head to core and tickle my toes.

A band of brothers swinging hips while playing, fluttering fingers singing notes of wise words shining night bright enough to ignite a fire in my soul, my dead heart PUMPED UP, feeling seen…full!!!

A new day after begins…

Sunshine gone, rain downpours; Reality came with tears, gratitude streams, THANKFUL I fingered a star in my small world.

And still reeling now, I can’t stop trying, I can’t stop writing, despite knowing full and well, I’m flying to fall…

Solace remains with a wish upon a heart POUND, with my groove switched back on FOUND:

I’ll laugh as I hit ground.

Re-creation

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I try to recreate the moment when time stopped. The action just after fizzles on the tip of my tongue, an embarrassment I’ve failed to overcome. Therefore, I’m compelled to close my eyes in bed to fully concentrate, maybe try again…

Impulsively, I yell out his name, the door closing fast in my face, but I laugh with grace, beginning to grab my things.

With the door’s bang-echo bouncing on my brain, to my surprise, he comes back in. Towering above me, he bends down, holding my hand and allowing me to pass  words that now, thinking back, I don’t even know, and then, time froze…

I didn’t…I couldn’t speak.

His kind eyes, exuding empathy, stare at me, smiling the words, I see you, I feel you see me.

Heart begins love-cramping, my hand grips my chest, wanting to ask a million questions, unable to think fast.

With inappropriate babble stuck in my throat and feeling hot down below, my brain battles my hands for control with temptation wanting…

His hug…to feel loved…to feel passion…to feel something magical happen.

I jerk my head down from the warmth in his gaze, bowing it low, I giggle like a child, rolling backwards away, “I’m sorry…Thank you. I’m sorry, thank you!”

Then, turning my chair with a quick spin, I literally rolled into a wall, nearly hitting a garbage can!!!

Oh my golly gee, so very typical for me.

I can’t change my personality, I guess my quirkiness makes me…ME.

If I could do it again, I would inquire:

What are your biggest inspirations? What gives you motivation?

Watching and listening would soothe my soul, but knowing me I’d just want more. Oh, the stories I bet he’d tell!

I KNOW WHAT I should’ve asked him at least once when meeting him!!!

“Will you be my friend?”

I’m positive he’d say an emphatic “YES!”

Funny, I just keep saying to myself (to shut up desire):

Reality! Not a dream, Reality!