anxiety

Triumphant

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

Dark shadows be damned, this morning as a block party began, I didn’t think I could muster the courage to go, so I asked myself, If he could, what do you think he would’ve said???

And I held his power tight, my mind ready to do that party right! And I rocked the night (a gummy helper to keep my anxiety bugs outta sight;) chatting with a political candidate and his beautiful Guatemalan wife, I mended beloved bridges I destroyed with old friends.

I used a little bit of latent moxie, and I’m triumphant! I made a positive memory!!! In the world of anxiety and PTSD, triggers are negativity grown like brain-weeds, strangling reality, so good memories mean more than gold, so precious life without them is madness.

With my other sleeping until his hangover (yes, I’m the always ‘dry’ one), tonight I’m happy cleaning alone, listening to my favorite album, dancing when no one sees, relishing my successful story, waiting to warm up my dreams in a lullaby, eyes dropping to us dancing cheek-to-cheek behind the light of my screen as I fall asleep.

Such a creature of habit, is it obvious that I’m an addict? I did all my fun young, now I smoke my medicine, drink my coffee, and deal each day with whatever shit is thrown my way. Don’t know if what I’m doing is healthy, but for the love of this life, floating feels so wonderful, it’s worth everything.

Free Fall

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

The wandering mind requires discipline.

I focus on what’s in front of me, concentrating on family, which is functioning because of me. I’m happy…

Except

Empty

Exacerbated

A slight shiver of cold manifests a blizzard cloud of loss, tossing my body to a hypothermic mode.

I exhale…

I need something to breathe new life in me, for I’m failing to find free.

Away

Adventure

Alleviated

That’s why I love fantasy, I can create myself anything. I’m letting in the light and going for a drive to the water for sunset tonight.

Free

mourning shadows

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

I don’t reside here. I’m just preparing. Where is my voice? Why can’t I speak? Why can’t I just be ok living this way? Empty. Despite how I try to fill my space with a positive state of mind, I feel like I’m here just to watch until I die.

I refuse that fucking life. I sware I’ll keep practicing and getting stronger and one day I’ll do it. I’ll stand up for myself and find the voice of my authentic self.

Until then…I’ll just keep incessantly cleaning, my only form of control in my upside-down world.

Eyes Don’t Lie

This struck my chord as I sniff sweet coffee steam, the storm beating down on me and the roof over my head, lightning behind my eyes, shocking my brain to the truth of why I can’t help but feel insane.

But, I’m a woman, and I will survive.

I’m a Woman (Koko Taylor)

Frightful

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

Why? I asked myself all day, laughing my impulses got the better of me, too busy to think.

The end is here, my favorite part, when I indulge my heart and spend time with just me and my dream, but tonight so scared, frightful I made him scared, I can’t breathe as I lie here, too terrified to open the silly app…

My gut a knot of no’s: half wishing I had kept my mouth closed; half dreaming he’s happy I showed my open door.

I envy confidence. I’ve always felt like a bug of…too much, pesky obviously. 

I just want to hope he understands, and like a prayer that brings tears, I hope he isn’t scared of my intensity, my creativity, or my erotic preclivities.

I’m so sorry I spoke, just want to be able to take it back.

I won’t go sharing silly things again I promise myself.

Want isn’t outside, but a constant in the mind. Never trust a late night idea, it’s trouble in the morning.

I’m the same as yesterday, loving by myself, so regardless if I did done screw up (oh so very regretful to gain another shadow) I still love my SELF. I’ll laugh tomorrow about how stupid I act in love, a romantic born to go overboard too deep at sea in a blowup boat fishing with tiny holes.

I only know one thing for sure…my passion is for real, and I will find my way out from feeling this trapped. I know full well that no one’s coming to rescue my ass, I just want a dream, and yes, I guess someone who dreams with me.

A complex situation that will somehow be alright. I can still play naughty by nature at night and secretly continue to search for my light.

beautiful fear

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

So dangerous to me…a beautiful fear. Watching you sing, so titilating. I can’t get enough, so I tried to cut myself off. I refused for a day to indulge…

No!

I tell myself, trying to be good, wondering what you’d let me do if only I could.

And that’s what gets me into trouble. I’m new to seeing someone so lovely, so close that I get confused, hot emotions wild, imagining you’re singing to me “under the covers” when my mouth meets yours, and that beautiful fear disappears as I inhale you while you’re near.

I have decided to begin challenging my anxiety, push my triggers and explore how to see and do more…

Today, I did it.

I’m practicing leaving my house by myself. I must conquer my fears and vanquish the lack of confidence that have kept me trapped…

Idependence achieved! I went with a girlfriend to Michigan for the first time (with no family) in seven years. Baby steps, but it’s a start.

A goal: To find you, love, some day, some how.

You make up my bucket list truth be told.

When I’m grounded, an adult unable to control my world, I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have you. Funny, I pretend you’re seeing me, when really I have no idea if we’ll ever see each other again.

My heart has already jumped on your ride, and you’re so powerful, you blow my mind!

In fact, like butterscotch pudding thick and sweet tongue-scooped to fill my mouth, eyes closed…the swallow…pleasure seeping into my body, that’s what you did to me today.

Oh…My!

Everyone asleep, I crave another peek, so off to the garage I sneak for another moment between you and me.

I wish I could give you even a sliver of the overwhelming pleasure, gratitude I feel when I see you. You cradle me when I want to crawl out of my skin, when I want to disappear, you help me find calm. I may just be talking to myself, but while I take you in, for a moment, I’m free, I’m wanted, I’ve got you to hold. A moment does my blues a wave of good, and I get to repeat that feeling while I sleep, finally able to touch you again.

Oh my, what a silly woman am I!

Oddest Flowers

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

Even the oddest

flowers can flourish.

No sowing.

At first, just a seed

blowing when it falls

into a driveway crack,

and dormant instinct

roots foundation through

the black tar and gravel

until the magic of a spring

environment rains

light-food and nutrient-water

to seep deep then

an unlikely flower pushes

with burgeoning strength

through paved black-top.

Resiliency from infancy.

That’s me.

a will, a way

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

I WILL myself…some day…to travel like I used to, relying on no one but myself! Ok, well, at least to places like Chicago, a place I know so well.

(Three months of rehabilitation just off Lake Shore Drive at fourteen years old, The Museum of Science and Industry’s been a staple since a kid, and every five months I have an appointment that’s right by School of the Art Institute of Chicago (where my daughter goes)…but…DAMN IT! I’ve traveled to Chicago alone my whole adult life!

How many times did I drive all by myself from the Arizona desert to the Midwest cornfields, from a Colorado Valley to an Arizona Mountain, from a San Diego beach to family in Texas?

How far did I go? My van might know.

I need freedom from silent expectations, bites of resentment, and voiceless screams. I want to escape being ignored as an acceptable way of living.

Hours pass by so slow as I wait for…my chance. The next time a friend says let’s talk, I won’t get scared and avoid the call!

A dragonfly’s wings fan subtle heat on my shoulder, and as if through a microphone-hand my tiny friend yells:

“ANSWER! You silly wench! No more bricks in the wall! You’re no longer a teenager! You’re an ADULT.”

Some day I’ll get away…for now, I guess, I’ll just keep dreaming, and vicariously I’ll trigger myself happy watching from my home.

In a Battle

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

In a battle with my SELF. There’s no blue, no gray: BLACK and white only. Both just as necessary,  both needing control;

Trying to figure shit out, both pissing me off! Darkness absorbing light, white fights a push back. Both churning growth.

In a battle with my SELF. I will fight to be red, different than in my head, understanding my misunderstood.

Undiscovered Hope

/ Hopelessly Inappropriate / Leave a comment

A creepy, crawling caterpillar can do it, so can I. I’ll find a way to a butterfly! The undiscovered hope is here. The light, the fire is in me, I hear the truth, I listen to the point, and I love too much the inspiration in his voice, makes me laugh and blush with innocence and joy, happy tears build release.

I hear the truth:

Undiscovered County

Baby steps, lol…

A new fire burns in me, I travel with it in my dreams where magic loves working for me.