I am chronic
PAIN painted as pleasure
(inhaling moon rocks,
to clear the chronic smoke).
I dance defiance
INSIRATION my salvation
(eating my paralysis)
in search of chronic peace.
self-psychology
SMACK
WHACK-SMACK! Reality’s back.
I twist my hair into a stiff bun, pick up my broom, sweeping lines of longing under the rug..
I’ve lived alone on the border of Arizona and Mexico, Phoenix, Flagstaff, Denver and Littleton, Colorado, and many towns in Indiana. I did alone well. I used to go to bars and concerts alone, restaurants and museums. I used to roll my wheelchair up mountains to take pictures, sail and rock climb to get high.
High is my current state of being, struggling to get by, OCD with animals constantly shedding, pain aching, pricking, and stabbing day in day out.
I don’t yell or shout, I never fight (despite the nitpicking comments thrown at me, blaming me for everything that goes wrong).
Silently (except in my head), I just keep cleaning up, dying to feel young, supple again, not an old wrinkly wench.
Dreams save my life, as a distraction from all my strife.
Steam Whiffs
A nips out chill induces a clenched spasm forearms to breasts, slightly wet, as my fingers pay homage in tiny taps upon my mug, and I inhale the steam whiffs, succumbing impulsively, going back to the time my smile finally felt GENUINE.
as I hit ground
Blinds block out what I can’t presently handle (my world small, PTSD producing morning shadows of past things DONE, dancing distructively on my walls).
SOOOO, daily I shout other people’s lyrics to not freak out, distract myself from a lack of stimulation my brain and body CRAVE, nay…NEED!
Pushing wheels round 20 years, one band, one voice (above-beyond all else) pulled me out of every funk, and this band recently came near my town!
No longer ready for an end…I opened a window, flung myself out, and I FLEW to see them play and sat in awe, observing the voices from their mouths make wild waves, travel from my head to core and tickle my toes.
A band of brothers swinging hips while playing, fluttering fingers singing notes of wise words shining night bright enough to ignite a fire in my soul, my dead heart PUMPED UP, feeling seen…full!!!
A new day after begins…
Sunshine gone, rain downpours; Reality came with tears, gratitude streams, THANKFUL I fingered a star in my small world.
And still reeling now, I can’t stop trying, I can’t stop writing, despite knowing full and well, I’m flying to fall…
Solace remains with a wish upon a heart POUND, with my groove switched back on FOUND:
I’ll laugh as I hit ground.
That ‘P’ Word
It’s that ‘P‘ word that eludes me lately.
I search each day for that ‘P‘ in my memory, dressed as the lovely lit up ghost of a childhood friend, who began teasing me when I was ten, always up to have some fun, and Oh, how hot I got when that ‘P‘ came around!
It’s that ‘P‘ that proved to be my rock when nothing else helped, and I’ve hidden that ‘P‘ deep within me, a fire always burning up my shadows, stroking gently my ego, no matterhowlow I go.
Then, one day I tried to coerce that ‘P‘ to come, Please…I plead, Come home. Weeks of searching, but NOTHING CAME! That ‘P‘ was gone…I knew…
I really was alone.
I wondered: Did my big-bad, sad soul swallow that BEAUTIFUL ‘P’ whole to suck on its marrow until it’s gone…as if it was never known???
Fuck NO!
I don’t reside in a metaphor anymore!
That ‘P‘ was never anything but what I want it to be. And, no matter what I do it’s ALWAYS inside me. It’s my PASSION I’m hiding deep, my passion exuding me, it’s passion I want dancing a burning fire up my ass, not the memory of things done gone in the past.
Now, how to TAP THAT PASSION and make it laaast???
Re-creation
I try to recreate the moment when time stopped. The action just after fizzles on the tip of my tongue, an embarrassment I’ve failed to overcome. Therefore, I’m compelled to close my eyes in bed to fully concentrate, maybe try again…
Impulsively, I yell out his name, the door closing fast in my face, but I laugh with grace, beginning to grab my things.
With the door’s bang-echo bouncing on my brain, to my surprise, he comes back in. Towering above me, he bends down, holding my hand and allowing me to pass words that now, thinking back, I don’t even know, and then, time froze…
I didn’t…I couldn’t speak.
His kind eyes, exuding empathy, stare at me, smiling the words, I see you, I feel you see me.
Heart begins love-cramping, my hand grips my chest, wanting to ask a million questions, unable to think fast.
With inappropriate babble stuck in my throat and feeling hot down below, my brain battles my hands for control with temptation wanting…
His hug…to feel loved…to feel passion…to feel something magical happen.
I jerk my head down from the warmth in his gaze, bowing it low, I giggle like a child, rolling backwards away, “I’m sorry…Thank you. I’m sorry, thank you!”
Then, turning my chair with a quick spin, I literally rolled into a wall, nearly hitting a garbage can!!!
Oh my golly gee, so very typical for me.
I can’t change my personality, I guess my quirkiness makes me…ME.
If I could do it again, I would inquire:
What are your biggest inspirations? What gives you motivation?
Watching and listening would soothe my soul, but knowing me I’d just want more. Oh, the stories I bet he’d tell!
I KNOW WHAT I should’ve asked him at least once when meeting him!!!
“Will you be my friend?”
I’m positive he’d say an emphatic “YES!”
Funny, I just keep saying to myself (to shut up desire):
Reality! Not a dream, Reality!
In the End
Every ending is a disguised beginning. Might be trite, yet where would I be without the truism?
Transcendence is the meaning of life, thereby giving purpose to my strife, right?
But, it sucks in the dark, feeling stuck, searching for a life-line thrown from above to pull me out of the grave my brain has dug, waiting to warm my lips with a true-light’s kiss, hoping my heart will catch beat again in this life by something…
A line!!! I found it! This morning my brain yelled, and yet stayed paralyzed still.
Birds start bouncing upon my window, teasing me to get out, tapping a message, “You can do it, you’re not all alone! You carry friends to sing with you in your car. The season’s changing, sun’s a-peeking, treebuds blooming, this is what you are seeking. Join us and you’ll see that sometimes the world can be sweet.”
I start my engine igniting IN THE END…
a wish away
I can’t connect, social media not my friend, makes me feel like a stalker when looking at someone I’m interested in, as if that person wants me dreaming intimacy, the kind I’m lacking.
“Boundaries!” My brain screams.
I find myself OVER thinking, “He would never be thinking about you, your a wish away from crazy!”
I want to be a gypsy, like never before in my life, or maybe a nomad…
No, a hippie following my favorite band, seeing new faces and places, dancing and feeling good across the land, forgetting a war’s at hand.
Spring UP
Rebirth:
a bird burned
to scorched earth.
Feathers old
Replaced.
Time flies
a new face
Reframed.
A peacock plumes
eyes watch sky
bright blue anew.
Rejuvenation
I Re-Claim.
A Re-Try
Remains…
Hopelessly Inappropriate Thoughts 