to prevail

The intense rains of the southwest desert monsoon season flooded the dry and the brittle to plump up, and the desert bloomed for a short while the wet lasted. The rest of the year, no matter how despretely hot, life prevails, feeding on the medicine given during the year’s toughest parts.

You rained in vibrant excitement in spring and made summer fun firey hot. God, I want your spirit! Makes me lose my breath.

Wish I were normal, could handle playing it cool…no, no, no, I’m love’s fool.

However barren, I will survive. Always do.

I just want your dreams to come true.

Oh! My Mistake…so sorry

I went out, naked, exposing my soul, and found an asshole: myself face down in a pool.

I see things because I look so hard, trying to gain momentum, keeping myself eyes up afloat.

Then, SMACK! Open-handed SWAT upside the head. I saw something meant for someone else.

I knew it deep, where I denied, the spot my past heartbreaks hide, where a neon sign shines:

When you feel so good

Everything seems right,

Check yourself!

It’s just your own creative lie.

“Love is merely a madness.”

From this I hide.

CONTROL

Control. I will own my control.

No more weak, no more speaking fucking meek, I know what I need.

I need ME to stop being a pussy and find my cheetah: direct, confident, and fast as lightning when chasing what it wants to eat for sustenance, for brain candy.

I’m taking back my control to reestablish connection with my soul…Even drowning, I want to be able to dance a groove on the ocean floor!

Control. I will own my control. A wheeled wonder woman ready to pave my own road, that’s what I want to be.

squeeze me…please

I’ve been through a lot over the last three decades since I’ve been an adult. I moved umpteen times, but despite the states having different weather, I could never escape myself. I rode darkness like a wave through days as if all in me was OK. All-encompassing love became an unattainable dream, never to be reality. And I settled into my bed, and I satisfied myself…that was fine til I die, which, of course, will be coming soon, spinal cord injury makes old a body like mine, I think, God, how much longer can I survive?

You…then, you…your energy electrified my insides with passion not pain!

I find myself feeling things I CANNOT explain.

I want for something I know is not for someone like me.

For the first time, I know why I don’t feel complete.

The gulp that gets stuck in my throat, taking away my breath…the need to feel you, to have you squeeze me, drives me insane.

The crave almost hurts. I can’t turn you off, the feel of you so sweet, I keep hitting repeat

First Time

Macy did a perfect job explaining the emotional impact you make in my world. Oh, my muse, I adore you making my sweet spot sore, I come wanting more.

Two Birds

Sitting on your wall, I call. Music bopping, tail feathers hopping, beaks bobbing. Alone, stimulated and invigorated, eyes glowing in the blue aura you left in my mind, I search for you in the sky, a friend flying by, willing to stop for a dancing flutter or a joke, or maybe a quick poke…

Sunday Vibe

This is a true story now:

My last concert this year was G Love, who I adore. Instead of a necklace for my 50th bday, I chose to get VIP passes for his Meet-n-Greet in Michigan. Instead of chilling with me when we got to the hotel, my other went Frisbee golfing. Moods were good. Then, the wait…we were us that night. Me leaving him to go take weird pictures as he never looked up from his phone, great pre-show where I asked too many questions, then he was pretty much done. I left, went in my van,  and listened to “Sweet Spot” took my hits, and went back smiling. By mid-show he went outside and I stayed by myself until after I told G Love thanks and good-bye. I happened to choose the spot right by where his wife and family were, and it was so touching to see how a husband and wife should treat each other.

I’m thankful that I had you to help me through feeling so happy and so sad.

There I am, One…
Until you come.
What do you see?

Phallic shapes are everywhere, lol;)

Bars

A heart walled in by bars staked down to my gut and piercing me when I talk…that’s what my pain has done with time. A full-time job to upkeep, but only sleep solicits a sense of lovely peace from a brain that hates, a load of loathe that I can’t escape.

I want to be different. I want to embrace glowing! I swallow hard that feeling.

I’m always trying to find a way out…out of my brain, out of my house, out of my marriage, out…out…out DAMN spot! Out past demons that retain too much control! I rule my life!

Humble

And I dream LOVE!

So Much Love

Hoping you don’t feel as lost as I do.

Wishing you all love in your world!

April (…continued)

The giant day gecko, exuding a firey aura of colors, stood perched on a rock beside April, who lifted herself out from the pond of passion back onto the solid ground, when he began gesticulating with a shuffle dance, singing, “Yes…yes…the time has come. Yes! The time is now. Climb! CLIMB! Climb to the other side, you have a key to find, you’ll see, you’ll see, follow me!”

Curiosity of a cat,  April looked up, eyes glowing in the thicket shadows, “Oh, an adventure! I’m ready for anything!” Listless, unsatisfied and so very bored just wasting time, why not search for something sublime?

“Yes, yes, up, up we must go, up and over to the other side of the wall. Help me, please, help me find the golden key!” Bowing with cane and top-hat excitedly flailing circles, infusing April with a giddy energy.

“Why of course, I will, certainly!” And at that, April laced her fingers high into the vines that protruded in layers out from the brick wall, with no fear of some snake bite, no! Instead, she began pushing the soles of her feet to propell her rise from ground to sky.

Darkness loomed from above, punctuated by a far off thunderous BOOM as April’s eyes creeped with a pop up over the top, whether naught or some sinister plot, she knew not…Regardless, she climbed over straddling its width, then tossing herself to fall off for a loooong drooooppp.

There was no wonder to April. She closed her eyes and chuckled as if tickled by a cat nuzzling her neck, arms in an ‘X’ on her chest, hugging herself the whole way down, laughing loud, enjoying the journey of creative momentum in the dark falling in wait of a lantern to illuminate her fate.

Blanket

You are the blanket that I sleep with, my cosy cover that protects me from my nightmares (the ones that used to make me yell when I sleep). Security singing me goodnight with a warm caress, the corner wrapped around my chin while dreams roll movies vivid…sexy…coming unexpected, coming…naturally, organic moments I don’t create, moments my brain has its way, and you’re next to me, kissing my desires like they matter…as for me, my lips eat you like my favorite treat, always so luscious, so sweet, especially when I’m laughing, cheeks sore from smiling so wide.

Yes, my blankie is so very important in my world. A childishness I cradle just before the clock strikes midnight, like magic will happen and one day, some day my blanket will come to life giving meaning to all my strife…

I know, I know, yeah right, lol.

Eyes finally closing while I write after a true storm that knocked out all power in my town, I have a truth: I found an out! I’m going to start cleaning across the street at my English teacher friend/neighbor’s house (she’s separating from a guy who’s contentious:( yet, she and I agree that I need a way to find FREE!

trouble

— trouble-shots of disgust —

when things are missing or moved, if something is not done right, an ask for a bit of help, a word of advice, honestly, a word of any kind seems to earn a look

— trouble-shots of disgust —

I used to get an apology when he acted like a dick, now I just have a dick I never want to play with, and for fuck’s sake, I’m pretty desperate.

You tell me…after spending the day in bed from a hang over, then slamming a bowl of chicken down and spitefully spitting, “I haven’t eaten in two days and this is dinner?”

He didn’t remember finishing off the pasta dish I took to the party before he went to bed at 7:00. I told him that softly and took care of the kid.

He went back to bed.

I’m here wondering if he’s actually irritated I’m not backing down, not crying, not caring anymore. I’m doing everything the same, except I’m not home all the time to be his maid, I haven’t been treating him enough like a king.

I loathe that expectation.

My dad taught me a man wants to be treated like a king. After 20 years, I created a monster of expectations and disappointments.

I spent the last two hours cooking and cleaning, thinking about how I can escape tonight, where can I fly when it’s my time to feel something magical…but he killed it, reminding me right now I’m stuck in this reality.

I’m a Woman

Last week’s music league entry.

(FYI: Publishing this for 24 hours helps my brain deal with the fact that I’m not this, I’m not someone who shares marriage baggage until I can’t get past a new scar that opens an old wound…wish I could find some other way to deal, but as Popeye always says, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am.”;)