Falls

Back here, realty in my eyes clear, I shove furniture out of the way, constantly sweeping all animal hair and dust, leaving none stray. There’s this cloud that follows me around, so I zip…then zag…swiping dirty surfaces with a rag, until…

BAM!

The Cloud

F

A

L

L

S

Overwhelmed, breath caught in my throat:

This is it!

It’s DONE.

My eyes close as I drop my broom, rushing one hand over my heart, the other to cover my mouth, salty drips off my nose drop between my breasts.

Caught in time, going nowhere as my crime.

No! I say NO.

Deliberate action.

No more passive reaction.

I’d rather be alone

than in this kind of marriage limbo.

I don’t know how or when, but a change is coming. Damn it, I’m sick to death of running.

I want the attention of a kind caress!

I need a furtive dive into a deep kiss, where roving hands finger passionate bliss!

I wonder sometimes why I can’t just believe that someday something will click and someone will notice I deserve more…dick

inspiration for more

Instead of a jaw clench, I twist and bite my bottom lip. No more downturned scowl! I have a cheesy, pink-cheeked grin now. Lungs suffocating to finally breathing even when life’s challenging, that’s what you’ve given to me.

What you may not know is that I have a light behind my lids where you walk in the door, and you look into my eyes when I touch your skin…a moment that strengths my soul, inspiration for more.

I don’t know what we’re doing, I don’t know if it actually means anything to you, but you make my eyes smile so tight with pleasure that the corners become wet.

I wish I could tell you tonight that I dream of running my hand over your skin, learning you as you feel my hand move, a game in which we both win…

Oh my fantasy, that’s what you do to me. I want someone I can’t have, but who drives me crazy.

I just gotta see it again

Immediate impulse

Swelling with hot pervasion

sparkler-tingles juicing me up

in my center, I hold my breath

I just gotta see it again

Oh, I growl, a craven sound,

“I want to eat you now!”

My eyes close imagining

my lips planting a kiss

on the supple skin

of your left dancing hip…

Hand over my mouth

a bit of drool coming out,

for I stop myself slow

Immediate impulse

Licking the phone

(Sorry, I don’t know how to share the adorable clip picture thingy of riding a mechanical ‘bull’ but a hot corn dog! I shit you not, it got me in a funny way that I’m struggling to ignore with an “Oh! I love you!” Yelled out uncontrolled, lol…I crack myself up sometimes 😅)

Ok so here, this helps to calm me as my theme music when life becomes overwhelming (from an absolutely adored album & my music league entry for round of 7min or longer:)

Piano Concerto No. 1

But, of course this is followed by one of my favorite love songs of all-time…a dedication, if I may be romantic and bold

lend your love to me tonight

Funny how my brain works.

re-animate

lost at sea, drowning…can’t breathe, sinking, the weight of life tethering my feet, my fate bleak

your anchor drops, deep dive, wrapping me in a blanket of light, elevating me, lifeless, from the bottom of the sea

blue and purple, on the deck of your rescue ship, in an instant, you know what to do, leaning, mouth prying

opening my airways, up-tilting my head, your lips cover mine, and you breathe…into me a new life

each lung-ful, a gust of wind, propelling momentum towards the true goal: learn to re-animate my SELF again

“HELP ME!” I cough out, and with love, I’m enveloped, warm safety caressing my skin, waiting for trusting to begin

seek & find

I giggle, so damn tickled,

rolling hot, feel you fall

into my sweet spot,

teased tense, I clamp down,

and your hip beat slaps

my sweet, sweet spot

bam-bam-Bop

up…up…up

with a cherry POP!

But we don’t stop!

From my valley

to your rock-top,

together our possibilities

exploding inside my mind,

urging more seek & find…

You are my Srircha in this life;)

Sriracha

(Looking for a soup ingredient song, for music league is back on…this cracked me up, had to share, lol:)

Actually submitted this song…

Chicken and Dumplings

Per music league rules, of course, technically, chicken and dumplings are in soup too.

devour the sweetness

In a dirt bed

covered up

to my chin,

tucked in,

yet still breathing;

heart hardened

hopeless,

the beat lost,

marooned

at the core,

frozen

from warmth…

Then, the rain!

Your words

splashing

refreshment

from negativity,

dirt to mud

a lovely bath

as you sing,

my heart–

malleable again–

starts thumping

in my mind

a new tune,

and I open,

hugging you

with power,

your support

uplifting, guiding,

stimulating

my mind, body,

and soul

to be, to do,

to want more,

to fight

for control,

to devour

life’s sweetness

and never be full.

I take you in

and savor

the smiles

that come

again and again

all day, all night

feeling your flavor

on my tongue

enraptured with you

til dawn.

A Note

Finger taps, gentle raps

tap  —   tap  —   tap

In a wait, heart aches

rap  —  rap  —  rap

Circles, thoughts pound

round — round — round

Intake, your new sound

Dear Muse: I eat your words, brain food that packs a punch, nourishment for life I need to get by, an inspiration encouraging motivation…Oh, the voice that calms the pain in my daily routine is priceless to me! I wish I could give something back.

Does love from someone you don’t know mean anything?

(The question cracks me up, honestly, sure he’d find it creepy,  lol.

Here and now, I admit that controlling my inappropriate impulsivity is challenging, especially when it’s such lovely fun to escape. I’ve had an epiphany over the last few days as that insane crave grew into a monster, and I allowed myself to practice taking off my armor.

Naked and vulnerable, I hope to share unabashedly in the future because that’s how I find lately that I heal.)

Permission

If only…

My submission:

I request

Your permission;

Then, only

My heart

I trust

Love’s fruition.

Oh, my muse, if only you knew…

Would a part of you kinda want my adoration of you, even the naughty thoughts of my nature?

(Funny thing, his she is not me, but god I fantasize our conversation like he was my untouchable friend, lol. It’s like I’m secretly practicing talking, ok so it’s still in my head, but there’s a “someday” goal to watch him face-to-face again…innocent, of course, me watching him playing masterfully;)

Big Wave

Touched

As if I’ve traveled, like I’m there, only better because it’s your voice I hear coming from so close by my ear, so confident, so eager to see, touch, be part of new and exciting things…that’s you, my eyes into a world in motion. I may be marooned, but I’m touched by what you share, like you want me there, lol.

Idealistically:

Why does he affect me with such lucidity? Why does picturing his face draw my hand to my chest as if to touch his hand inside holding my heart afloat?

Reality:

I always check myself at night before I indulge again, “He doesn’t know you exist, be satisfied by him allowing you to keep escaping with his images!”

A brain’s heart so touched it can’t help but burn with bursts of love.

Hiding Only to find a Wizard

I’ve been hiding. No one noticed. I went to bed way too early, no TV, no music, no beautiful video to lull me to a good night’s sleep. Two days, only me, watching in my head, an emptiness, a hole growing like “The NOTHING” with me needing belief in the creative, golden light to make everything alright.

Now, I’m scared to touch that fire in me again would be dangerous…

I don’t have unrealistic expectations, but unreachable dreams that obviously could never be stroked, will never be embraced, a kiss never to be placed upon the lips I see at night in my sleep.

As I lie in bed, waiting for nothing to happen, I pretend he’s facing me, and I can study his eyes, trace every inch of his face, tell him about my day:

Like he’d care a beautiful ten year old girl at the special needs camp had trouble with sudden outbursts of anger and frustration, however, I happened to hear her say, “…and the wizard told the girl…”

I said, “I love wizards! Is that what you’re drawing?”

She told a few lines of her story, then went about talking to herself again, but calmer. Only he could see how cool this moment was for me.

I broke through with the toughest kid in camp because I met a wizard who truly does do magic.

How can anyone compare to how such a simple thing can make my heart remember how to with beat warmth, even on one the coldest of summer’s nights.