Sleepless rolls me a brain tossed, rocking my body side-to-side til light. Rain pain follows my tail to steamy, a power-shower head to bust my balls…Blurry emotions wave flags of clarity, singing my SELF to march into a new day:
I find my search for a brand new way.
I take my dreams to a new height!
Inspiration is my reward for my fight!!!
Broken
back
I
N
ha . lf
Broken
B
I
G
toe
Broken
CAR
d o w n
Broken
TWO
opposing
p
a
t
h
S
My BROKEN heart still lasts.
Stay Away. My world is full of holes. I won’t deny my current trials, despite my desire to delete everything. Some day maybe my purge will mean something, for now another morning after bout with myself…
No more blame. No shame. I’m done trying to engage with my husband. My voice is gone, or is it I’m done trying to speak when no one’s listening? Doesn’t matter, means the same thing.
I thought I dropped my mask ages ago, but really I don’t know my own face I’ve hid it so long. So many years of not looking into a mirror, disgusted with who I am, because I can’t leave despite us being so obviously unhappy. I replaced my genuine smile with a half-assed, goofy grin.
Today, LITERALLY, I left.
Came back.
Asked him if he thinks he wants to separate…
“No.”
And, here I am again…me by myself, him in the garage.
Too fucking dizzy from spinning in circles.
What I would do to feel desired! Trust me, deep in me there’s a fire!
Why can’t I get it up at home?
He’s said so many mean things whrn he touches me I sware my blood runs cold.
Sometimes at night, I wake up scared that this is how I’ll end, like finally done, I’ll stop breathing without ever experiencing passion again, and aloud I cry out, “No!”
I can’t say how to effectuate change in my life, but I’m done. I’ve tried every idea to save the good, but it just turns bad. I don’t know how he doesn’t just leave my ass?
I’m so fucking tired of this…
roommate-situation-marriage-WTFN
For tonight, I give up thinking.
Back here, realty in my eyes clear, I shove furniture out of the way, constantly sweeping all animal hair and dust, leaving none stray. There’s this cloud that follows me around, so I zip…then zag…swiping dirty surfaces with a rag, until…
BAM!
The Cloud
F
A
L
L
S
Overwhelmed, breath caught in my throat:
This is it!
It’s DONE.
My eyes close as I drop my broom, rushing one hand over my heart, the other to cover my mouth, salty drips off my nose drop between my breasts.
Caught in time, going nowhere as my crime.
No! I say NO.
Deliberate action.
No more passive reaction.
I’d rather be alone
than in this kind of marriage limbo.
I don’t know how or when, but a change is coming. Damn it, I’m sick to death of running.
I want the attention of a kind caress!
I need a furtive dive into a deep kiss, where roving hands finger passionate bliss!
I wonder sometimes why I can’t just believe that someday something will click and someone will notice I deserve more…dick
Control. I will own my control.
No more weak, no more speaking fucking meek, I know what I need.
I need ME to stop being a pussy and find my cheetah: direct, confident, and fast as lightning when chasing what it wants to eat for sustenance, for brain candy.
I’m taking back my control to reestablish connection with my soul…Even drowning, I want to be able to dance a groove on the ocean floor!
Control. I will own my control. A wheeled wonder woman ready to pave my own road, that’s what I want to be.
A heart walled in by bars staked down to my gut and piercing me when I talk…that’s what my pain has done with time. A full-time job to upkeep, but only sleep solicits a sense of lovely peace from a brain that hates, a load of loathe that I can’t escape.
I want to be different. I want to embrace glowing! I swallow hard that feeling.
I’m always trying to find a way out…out of my brain, out of my house, out of my marriage, out…out…out DAMN spot! Out past demons that retain too much control! I rule my life!
And I dream LOVE!
Hoping you don’t feel as lost as I do.
Wishing you all love in your world!
lost at sea, drowning…can’t breathe, sinking, the weight of life tethering my feet, my fate bleak
your anchor drops, deep dive, wrapping me in a blanket of light, elevating me, lifeless, from the bottom of the sea
blue and purple, on the deck of your rescue ship, in an instant, you know what to do, leaning, mouth prying
opening my airways, up-tilting my head, your lips cover mine, and you breathe…into me a new life
each lung-ful, a gust of wind, propelling momentum towards the true goal: learn to re-animate my SELF again
“HELP ME!” I cough out, and with love, I’m enveloped, warm safety caressing my skin, waiting for trusting to begin
I don’t reside here. I’m just preparing. Where is my voice? Why can’t I speak? Why can’t I just be ok living this way? Empty. Despite how I try to fill my space with a positive state of mind, I feel like I’m here just to watch until I die.
I refuse that fucking life. I sware I’ll keep practicing and getting stronger and one day I’ll do it. I’ll stand up for myself and find the voice of my authentic self.
Until then…I’ll just keep incessantly cleaning, my only form of control in my upside-down world.
This struck my chord as I sniff sweet coffee steam, the storm beating down on me and the roof over my head, lightning behind my eyes, shocking my brain to the truth of why I can’t help but feel insane.
But, I’m a woman, and I will survive.
A break I take
to inhale a moment
of the sunny day,
greedy for some
comforting light
to take the chill
from the stark
of my darkness,
lashes butterflies
adjusting the bright
to shadows of life.
As I drove to help at my daughter’s work again, I realized I was singing, not staring absent or crying over a complex situation, no I felt like singing!
In an instant, fully cognizant of the difference in my temperament, I asked myself, Why? What’s different this morning from yesterday’s?
And I remembered how I fell asleep last night, relishing every frame of him singing until my eyes fell into my brain’s serenity (held within my phone’s screen).
Every day is the same for me.
I cherish his face, the way he moves his mouth…funniest thing ever is since I can remember, I had dreams of teeth, so not kidding, and the most hilarious part of yearning for this particular man is that I have literally had dreams about his mouth since childhood, lol!
How silly right!?! No one knows, it’s just a secret hidden deep in my heart without any point or purpose except to me. I swear, I couldn’t make this shit up.
I’m starting to have nightly panic attacks unfortunately. No one knows that either. I wonder why I cry, like letting out the pain of my hub killing hope will help me cope. What a joke.
I sware that other of mine is going to ruin G Love’s show for me (tried the first time I saw him in the Rockies, tried to ruin Billy Strings, and was a dick before (and I slept alone in the hotel room after) ALO too).
He makes the great in life taste…less sweet.
Tonight, right now, with love guiding my sail, I will eat another man’s sweet, and I do not feel guilty. I’ll protect my heart, keep doing it alone, talking to myself, touching myself with images of us that pop up hot…
A clandestine transgression of fulfillment, wishes washing my soul into an awakening, my wish every evening.
My days with him helping me through each end, then, begin like this…
