Author: Hopelessly Inappropriate

innocent backfire

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Innocent. My intention at the start, innocent enough, just to be sure I wasn’t afraid if ever awarded another conversation. I thought, If I just study his expressions, get used to the hyper-intensity of looking into his eyes, I’ll seem normal in any situation with him.

BACKFIRE

I’m hooked. I’m struggling to stop. I know full well I have no hope. For me, to learn more in life with him, to have what I feel reciprocal…

He is like touching a cloud and magically transforming the horizon from shades of gray to a prismatic light that makes everything, everyone glow with a radiant aura and feel it.

I don’t want to stop. I want to feel lust, to touch true love…

But, I admit. This is how I break my heart in the end. I know he already has enough love in his life.

This is where I say fuck it and go fantasize. Consequences be damned! I sware I feel in love with that man!

(I don’t care how silly this story seems for someone my age, but I know what I am capable of, I know what I want, I realize depth is tough, I want more than feeling cold inside and jumping surprised when touched because it’s been so long since the last time. I unload the good, the bad, and the ugly here to keep me from losing my mind!)

A Dream’s Truth

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The dream is true.

We exist, dreaming of eating together the same peice of sweet truth. We listen to each other’s desires sung in the poetry of possibilities, a game of intrigue in which we spar scars and sorrow with love and laughter building trust in tomorrow.

The dream is true.

You are mine to play with anytime…

IN MY MIND.

I wish you were clay, and I could mold you into a clone of yourself and keep you with me in bed, probing you, pulling my fingers across every inch of your skin, nuzzling as I learn your grooves, your dimples, your lips with my kiss…

Yes, this is my wish as I shower away my sighs this morning, knowing my dream of love will only exist inside me, pent-up clenched tight, waiting for your light to do my dream right!

(I’m so lucky! Your voice through my day and reels at night help keep me going through the problems and pain as if you’re with me each day, except I barely say a thing.

For the first time since we met, I’m not afraid you’ll hate me or cut me off for something inappropriate I’ve said or might say some day. In my world, that’s more than progress, it’s truly established my trust. I struggle to hold onto people I love. Often it’s me who gets too scared to get hurt, so I run away and give up.

I’m trying to GROW UP.

Trust me, for the last 20 years, the wisdom in your music has helped me process my reality. Now, you really are a dream I NEED in me;)

I’ve been processing this feeling for a week and still don’t know how to say anything, lol.

I just keep reaching out to touch

An Ember to Remember

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It still burns.

An ember to remember

when beauty touched my world,

it’s all I have left of you,

but for pictures I caress.

Yet, it still burns.

An ember to remember

how you looked at me

and I felt the heat

build up a hunger inside,

as if you could read my mind.

And still it burns.

Even as I’m drowning,

spitting water as foam

engulfed in a bubble of darknight…

Even then, it glows.

You are an ember to remember,

in me burning with a glittering

that will shine for all time.

she got to fly

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Shaking, unsteady her hand pulls the handle down, thrusting the heavy door to whoosh out. She rolls bold out into the world.

She has a parachute in the back of her mind of a beautiful time when she got to fly, so if she falls, there’s a lifeline.

(I don’t understand what I’m feeling, except empty. I want to find the bright side. I don’t want to hide. I don’t want to cry. There’s that sadness like a black hole in my deepest metaphorical core as I accept I’ll never again touch you…I don’t want to let go.)

Closer to Believing

a tide coming in

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As you jog towards the ocean, feet flinging sand to tap the small of your back, secret skin exposed to the sun, then splashing through the foamy waves, you dive in where I take your hand…

You cradle me against your chest, sunset behind your head, crystal eyes gazing into mine, and as if you could read my mind, your wet lips slip salty kisses up my neck and along my jaw, then our lips part together welcoming a tide coming in with our tongues colliding…

(I keep seeing him do it again and again in my head so right now I can’t watch the video again, too dangerous. No, tonight I need to show how I can envision me fitting into his world for a beautiful moment, fulfilling my dream.

I stopped trying to deny I need help right now. Allowing myself to dream of him, despite the ‘never’ of it, invigorates me with power. I actually drove to four different places today that cause extreme anxiety, and even with having expired plates, the BMV felt sunny and happy!

I’ve felt like I’m living in the twilight zone for years and years and years, until color came back into my world because dreaming became not just powerful but possible.

It’s his face that gets me through my liminal space, and the wisdom of his voice brings sense and solace to a brain that so often gets lost in this mad world’s maze.

Liminal Space

I go to bed this way many a night. TV off, whole house dark, and finally a flicker, a tingle-spark, producing a pervading warmth from my bottom up with a swift burn of lust…and that’s when I go there…Instagram.

I only have to look at my own saved videos, and no one is the wiser.

He sings me to sleep for real, dreaming of gorgeous places and fun excursions (often writing or watching until I can’t see straight so that I can find some REM).

Dreams sit on the tip of my tongue by morning as I open my eyes at six, snores done he’s already on his phone or in the garage gone. Very little for me in the between.

I have his face as my saving grace:)

Falls

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Back here, realty in my eyes clear, I shove furniture out of the way, constantly sweeping all animal hair and dust, leaving none stray. There’s this cloud that follows me around, so I zip…then zag…swiping dirty surfaces with a rag, until…

BAM!

The Cloud

F

A

L

L

S

Overwhelmed, breath caught in my throat:

This is it!

It’s DONE.

My eyes close as I drop my broom, rushing one hand over my heart, the other to cover my mouth, salty drips off my nose drop between my breasts.

Caught in time, going nowhere as my crime.

No! I say NO.

Deliberate action.

No more passive reaction.

I’d rather be alone

than in this kind of marriage limbo.

I don’t know how or when, but a change is coming. Damn it, I’m sick to death of running.

I want the attention of a kind caress!

I need a furtive dive into a deep kiss, where roving hands finger passionate bliss!

I wonder sometimes why I can’t just believe that someday something will click and someone will notice I deserve more…dick

I needed it.

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I tried to own my alone, become someone powerful. I willed myself to move away from watching the movement of your face, from putting your voice in my ear at night late. Maybe I can change, make it by myself, sans my cake…

I tried to go to bed, but couldn’t catch my breath…

Oh no, no, no! So empty, so sad, the void left so big in my little world…I had to look.

I needed it. I needed to watch your eyes talking to me as you sing. I wanted to read your smile, so I opened the door by myself and my mind ate a feast! Honestly, I could never have expected such an endorphin release!!!

Tears fall upon my phone as you come so close to my face, your neck I want to taste, and I felt you enter me again and again bringing such elation, my cheeks redden with a firey warmth, and a moan couldn’t help but escaping, “Oh Love, all I want is a little taste, a little touch…”

I need you in a way that makes me wild, mad I can’t have what I want like a child.

I want to fall asleep with your face within my hands reach, you wanting me as your dream.

I don’t know what I’m doing, but I can’t help going back, watching you sing me to sleep, absorbing your lips moving, imagining you love me too.

Would you, could you try?

You help me through the darkest times. The beauty of your light in my life I don’t want to deny.

(I wish upon the falling stars that you know how special you really are;)